A recent Fox News article caught my eye with its blunt title: “Society is Creating a New Crop of Alpha Women Who are Unable to Love.” Unable to love. Interesting. The author is a woman, and I do not wish to dicuss this article in order to be disrespectful towards her; I believe she was writing from experience and expressing what she truly believed. However, I believe many of the points she makes to be harmful, and think they should be discussed.
According to this article, women of today are suffering in the relationship department because they are “too competitive,” “too masculine.” By neglecting their “feminine energy,” and not being “nice” enough to their husbands, they are essentially losing them. The author claims that American women (she specified American) have “undermined their ability to find lasting love” by “wanting power in the world” which in turn rejects their “power in the bed.” This author is stating that by wanting credibility and independence in society more than an influential sex life, the American woman is keeping herself from finding love. As a young woman who is passionate about her studies and enthusiastic to make contributions to society and is also, believe or not, a hopeless romantic, I am troubled by the message this author is sending.
“Simply put, women have become too much like men. They’re too competitive. Too masculine. Too alpha. That may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.” Actually, she’s referring to sex. When it comes to your sex life with your husband, it will suffer because you want validity as a contributing member of the workforce.
The author continues on to state: “Jackie Kennedy once said there are two kinds of women: ‘those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed.’ American women have become laser-focused on the former and have rejected the latter. In doing so, they’ve undermined their ability to find lasting love.”
So…. I can’t want power in the world and in bed? I can’t be a loving wife who works hard in her career and also her relationship?
Should women focus more on pleasuring their husbands, and less on their careers? Passions? The things that make us equal? And what about women? Maybe our husbands are too focused on their jobs, and less on our sexual needs. Why are women responsible for the husbands’ pleasure, but the husband not responsible for the wife’s? What about gay and lesbian relationships? Whose job is it to be the “power in bed?”
We are not sex toys. We are not pornography. We are not mantelpieces.
We are human beings, with as much right to our convictions as anyone else. To suggest that in order to prioritize a relationship, a woman must put her man’s needs before her own, and change herself to be “more feminine,” while the man is responsible for nothing, is wrong. It’s wrong to suggest such a thing. It’s a regressive ideal that is detrimental to our society. At the same time, the responsibility should not be solely on the man. Relationships should be about sharing and compromise on both ends.
The author makes a point about being bossy in a relationship. “Men love women who are fun and feisty and who know their own mind! But they don’t want a woman who tells them what to do.” What about women who are fed up with men telling them what to do? What they can eat, where they can go, who they can talk to, when they can have sex. No one likes being bossed around. But why is it a bigger deal when men are bossed around than when women are treated the same way? Why is the man the priority? Can we not discourage any relationships that include one person controlling the other? Why is it women vs. men?!
Here lies the root of the problem with this article: the message that partners are not equal. The writer emphasizes and repeats this same point: “Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies.” There’s nothing wrong with saying that men and women are fundamentally different, or that partners in a relationship often take on different roles. However, to insist that someone has to be feminine, which the author has associated with submission, “being the beta,” is an incorrect assumption. “But my alpha ways were bumping up against his alpha nature. We were like two bulls hanging out in the same pen together, and there was too much friction. And because I had zero interest in my husband adopting a more feminine role, I set about to become the feminine creature our culture insists women not be. And here’s what I learned: It’s liberating to be a beta!”
A relationship should NOT have to be alpha vs. beta. Partners can both be alphas, aka, equals. The next problem is that this author dictates the “beta” has to be a woman. Assigning roles in the relationship based solely on gender is not realistic or fair; people are much more complex than that. Also, what about other relationships besides heterosexual ones? Or are they just not important enough to talk about?
For every girl or woman out there reading this: you should not have to sacrifice your personality for a relationship. You should not have to prioritize your partner’s pleasure over your own happiness. You should be able to be equal in your partner’s eyes. Compromise in a relationship does not mean submitting because of your gender.
To all of the boys and men out there reading this: I believe men have been victimized also, in how they are expected to not express emotions and always be the main provider. That is a lot of pressure, and it’s not fair, it’s not equal. You should be able to express sensitivity without being ridiculed. You should be able to express your personality without being belittled. You shouldn’t have to be the “alpha male” all the freaking time. You should be able to just be you.
Why is it always women vs. man? Why are we constantly comparing how we are each supposed to behave in different circumstances? Yes, men and women are different. But my mom and I are different. My dad and brothers are different. My girl friends are different. For as different the two sexes are, there is a multitude of more differences between who we are as individuals. You cannot compartmentalize our personalities and traits and passions and responsibilities based on our genitalia and hormones.
Because at the end of the day, that’s the main difference between men and women. And it’s time to get over it.
Read Fox’s Article here.
cover photo by FreeImages.com/SanjaGjenero