photo credit: www.examiner.com
I never get nervous. I can do this; I am America’s Next Top Model. I will make it onto the college edition of my favorite show. Or at least that was what I kept telling myself about three years ago.
The casting for the College Edition of ANTM was at the Sheraton Universal Hotel in Los Angeles on April 5, 2012. I have been a model since I was 5, so I thought to myself: how hard could this be? I was beaming with confidence as I started to realize most of the girls there had never modeled before.
Soon my certainty dwindled as we entered an icebox of a room with blinding lights and the biggest video camera I had ever seen. Four judges sat still, like mannequins behind a long grey table, emotionless, just analyzing each girl – each number. That was when I realized I really was just a number to them. Number 153, among 200 gazelle-like women, each of whom waited her turn to get grilled by the harsh judges – in front of everyone.
I started checking out my competition, one by one, limb by limb, and comparing myself to each girl. My urge to rate the room was like an uncontrollable rash that I could not stop scratching.
It was my turn. I took massive strides with my long legs to the big, red X we were forbidden to miss, and hit my pose. Nailed it!
I looked at each judge and intently into the circular lens with as much “smize,” smiling through the eyes, as I could. I felt like a giant spider was looking back at me – eight beady eyes were focused in, ready to paralyze me in front of everyone.
I refused to get tangled in that web – I smiled and introduced myself in my most boisterous, pageant-like voice.
One judge stared me down and asked me in a raspy voice, “Ashley, why are you so insecure?”
What? What kind of question is that?
“Insecure? Hm. I have never been told that before. In fact, I’m the last thing from insecure.”
She started to open her mouth to “next” me like she did the two girls before. Fix your answer, quick before she says anything.
“What I meant to say is that I have always been complimented by how mature I am for my age. I guess because I had to grow up a lot earlier than most of my friends.”
Instant curiosity flashed on the judges’ poker faces, “Explain,” the main judge said.
Did I tell her the truth? All of the other girls had sob stories; would she think I was exaggerating?
“My parents fought a lot when I was little, they were separated more times than I can count. I am not here for pity and was fortunate growing up, but I have gone through some things that have made me a tough person.”
I could read the judges like a book – they were not entirely convinced. “What things?”
She was prying. I explained that my brother was in a bar fight a decade prior. He was paralyzed and a quadriplegic for his remaining years.
“My big brother died last year. He was always telling me to chase my dreams and pursue my modeling career. I’m here for me, but I’m also here for him.”
I’ll never forget the looks on the judges’ faces. A wave of comfort draped me like a sheet and I knew where my sudden strength came from – my big brother, Eric.
After hours of smiling, posing, talking, and “smizing,” we were gathered one last time in the banquet room to hear the judge call the measly 25 names that would move on to the next round.
She got to number 20 and still had not called my 11-letter name. I could not tell you who was called for number 21 or 22 but I’ll never forget number 23. Ashley Black.
All I could do was smile and thank my brother. I did it!
We made a promise to not tell any family or friends any details from the entire day or what our status was with making it on the show. I cringed – my overly protective, have-to-know-every-single-detail family would not take this news lightly.
Even though I did not make the next cut, I was so thankful for my casting experience. It was a vulnerable situation; I laid my feelings on the table, not knowing the outcome. My skin grew a layer thicker that day and I have carried that experience with me throughout any obstacles I have come across since that warm spring day in 2012.
Published: Vogue Italia OnlinePhotographer: Kelly Capellihttp://www.kellycappelli.com/