I look at the beautiful crop top in the mirror and think, “Yes!” I put it on and…a T-shirt looks better anyways.
I think of a joke, this time one I definitely think would make anyone laugh. I hold onto it for almost a day and soon when it’s the perfect moment and all eyes are on me… I shake my head and mumble out a small “never mind.”
I work on something for hours upon hours and before I know it, it’s ready! I give a big smile and run to a friend to ask what they think. Right when they open their mouth, I interrupt, “It’s still rusty and I know it’s pretty bad!”
Now these three things—I’ve done. Every single one of them and well…it’s not fun. I always picture these great scenarios that I think should happen but then I don’t even try. Why? Confidence. Or rather, the lack of it.
And clearly (at least I hope) everyone knows this isn’t really healthy. My whole life I’ve allowed ridiculous standards to rule me, whether it’s a change in the clothes I wear or the things I say, those insecurities—have always won. The crazy part in all this is I’m the one casting the first stone. I’m my own worst enemy. And that’s got to stop.
To clarify all this chaos in my head, it’s like these words in the song “Waving Through a Window” from the musical Dear Evan Hansen. “I’ve learned to slam on the brake before I even turn the key.” The second I heard that, it’s like a Ping! went off in my head and suddenly my life just made a little more sense. I really do have a bad habit of assuming the worst before I even give anything a chance.
And I don’t expect for any of this to be fixed the next day or tomorrow, or the day after, or even a year from now. But I do need to remind myself every so often to allow others to chime in when they see me curled up in a ball of fear, thinking that that I can’t be who I want to be. Because I can’t do anything unless I try (yes, that’s corny but probably necessary). The world can be a little too much for everyone and sometimes it grabs us by the collar and throws us into a random sequence of horrifying events. So that’s when you gotta stand up straight and grab those few drops of confidence you have left and say, “Screw it. I’m an adult and I make my own choices.”
Do that, over and over and over until your heart doesn’t beat as hard as it used to from the tangle of nerves and stress. I want to take that first step to wear that new blouse or take the initiative to crack a joke. I want to make something and be proud of it even when other people don’t like it. I want to do all these things and more but it starts with a step. It starts with building confidence in oneself and making choices. People can suck sometimes but you can’t forget that your opinion matters. You’re the one in that body of yours so you decide. Little by little, it might just mean finally choosing what to wear and sharing who you are inside. Because how can we get anywhere when our foot’s still on the brake?