This article is based off of a TikTok I saw the other day posted by @bitesized_therapy. It popped up on my for you page titled, Origins of Anxiety and Attachment Issues. The video described a situation that was almost every day of my childhood, and after reading the comments, I had realized a lot of people felt similarly. The video started with the parent showing their anger to their child and then reverted to the other’s self-blaming habits as a coping mechanism. If anyone would like more details on the video, they are welcome to watch it on @bitesized-therapy’s TikTok page(posted on Nov. 1), but please be warned that it could be triggering for some.
Unless you’ve lived through this yourself, no one really notices the subtle mannerisms that people develop and keep their entire lives. Personally, I am a great liar, I know when others are lying to me, I have anxiety and anxiety attacks, I have anger issues, and I do not open up about my emotions. All of these things were learned/developed throughout my childhood. Growing up, I was always perceived as an introverted child; however, in reality, I was just scared to speak up. I was told how it would ruin other people’s lives if I spoke up, but no one ever considered how it would ruin my life.
My childhood was coming home worried about getting yelled at. My childhood was coming home, wondering if it would be physically violent today. My childhood was saying I had too much homework, simply to avoid interaction. My childhood was absorbing lies, and developing behaviors to survive. My childhood was forced into submission. My childhood was not mine.
I have blocked out a lot of my childhood memories; it’s part of my self-care, but even doing that, doesn’t make me forget everything. I have very vivid, very traumatic memories. Because of this, one of the comments on the video really caught my eye. It said, “It’s when they ‘don’t remember’ stuff like this that upsets me.” And that is honestly the worst part because my childhood was ruined by someone else. Yet, now that I’m an adult, this person doesn’t remember any of it? How does that make sense? How is any of that fair? How is it that I am the way I am because of the crap I went through, but no one takes the blame?
I know that this stuff is triggering for people, and it still is for me. But I want everyone to know that they are not alone. Whether you were traumatized by a parent, a sibling, an aunt, an uncle, a significant other; whoever made you feel terrible about yourself, whoever made you feel like you had to hide the best parts of yourself, please know that none of it was okay. No one should ever feel trapped or scared or alone. I know I’m not perfect, no one’s perfect, but I liked to help others, even if I can’t always help myself. So please, if you are in a situation where you need help, then find it. Whether it be professional, personal, or the author of an article that helped you. Reach out to anyone that will listen. More often than not, someone else has gone through the exact same thing.