Can you feel it? The pushes and pulls of the outside air? The trickling warmth of content as it flows down your spine until it reveals itself in the form of a smile? If you do, that makes one of us because I haven’t quite gotten the freedom to do so yet.
Lately, with school and midterms hanging around, I realized I’ve kind of lost the meaning of relaxation. Which is weird. Like really weird. My mom used to tell me I was a strange teenager–I could just curl up around the couch and read a book for hours. I loved being at peace and chillin’ with a good story. That was my definition of fun and I know it still can be. The thing is…I don’t think I know how to anymore.
This sounds strange when I think about it, but a couple of friends started pointing it out. When I ever get the chance to relax alone at my apartment, I don’t take it. I actually try to do anything but go home. Got some homework to do? I might as well stay in school a bit more. Got the chance to extend my job shifts? Means more money. A friend needs help? Why not, wouldn’t it be rude to say no?
I come up with all these reasons for helping myself or others, but eventually, I have to call them what they are: excuses. It seems fine until I realize sleeping at night isn’t so easy anymore and being alone equals loneliness. And that can’t be right. I used to be the kid that could spend hours alone reading or writing without a care in the world. I used to be the kid that knew how to breathe. I savored those moments every chance I could get. I don’t understand. What happened?
I wasn’t sure for a long time–and I’m still not completely sure–but maybe I’ve been stretching myself a little too thin. I got used to having a busy schedule that I think, eventually, I became it. I became my chores, my homework, and my jobs. I forgot how to just be me when I’m alone. The worst part is I’ve forgotten how to write like I used to, and that kills me a little. Writing is my strongest passion and I’m too tense for it. Avoiding it doesn’t help either though.
So guess what? I’m ready for spring break! I’m ready to re-learn all those lovely things that make me smile and really be me because it’s easy to get lost in all the hustle and bustle of college. It’s a chaotic center that can push us to our limits for good, but only to a certain extent. We’ve got to learn when to stop and just stand still for a little.
Going home will teach me that again. My arms get a little less tense and my brain turns off for a moment when I visit my family so I know this will do me good. That’s what our spring breaks should be. A little peace in the middle of all the chaos.