The other night, I was part of a conversation with a group of friends about finding “the one” and how hard that is during a time when only ‘hookup culture’ exists. Especially when you are in your 20s, and you have friends finding their perfect matches or completely enjoying the single life.
These past few days I’ve been really, really thinking about love. A four-letter word that to be really honest, I have no idea what it means. I am a hopeless romantic. I think with my heart before my mind. I fall hard, and I fall fast. I want to experience that type of love. You know, the ones in the movies or like Amelie and Blake. I want cute dates, movie nights, and even random flowers because I’ve never received flowers from a lover before.
Yeah, I had my first boyfriend in college and yes, he was considered my first love. But damn, I really hope that is not what love is. Because all I connect to that love is pain, hurt, and humiliation of being cheated on for the entire duration of our almost two-year relationship. I don’t think that is love. Maybe I have not experienced it just yet.
I’m terrified of hearing those words again come from a man’s mouth because all I’m going to think is that they are saying it to cover up something they did. I’m scared of that feeling of your heart literally sinking into your chest, the pain of it all single-handedly terrifies me.
I guess I get myself into a lot of situations where I fall for someone hard, but feelings aren’t mutual. Here I have been “talking” to someone who lives in a different state for the past 11 months. I like him a lot, but we are just “friends”. It is probably one of the most toxic things I’ve been part of and recognized, yet we still find ourselves on FaceTime together in the early mornings flirting and laughing at stupid jokes for hours on end. Only to realize maybe it’s just an infatuation rather than real feelings.
I always think back to a Harry Styles quote, “My hand’s at risk, I fold” (Fine Line) It’s about being in a toxic relationship, how it can be so bad despite telling yourself how great it is. But you end up slowly starting to lose yourself. The realization of that is heart-breaking.
I try to get myself into the mindset, “if they want to, they will” but it’s hard to not be the one to reach out first.
People say to be single in your 20s, or you’ll find that person when you least expect it but try being a senior in college and you are one of the only people in your family who doesn’t have a significant other.
Truth be told, maybe finding love isn’t in my near future, or maybe it is. I know I’m ready for love and a relationship, but maybe I am just not in the place to search for it right now.