Breaking Down Your Walls for Vulnerability & Intimacy

Everybody struggles with knowing how much to reveal about themselves to others. Having those walls up is the only thing that’s protecting your emotions, heart, mind, and soul from being known by those around you. Even the most friendly and extroverted people are not necessarily vulnerable; they are just really good at being transparent and relatable. They reveal just enough about themselves to let you onto the surface of who they are. But what happens when you start to peel back those remaining layers, and they leave themselves exposed for others to see?

Being social is part of life. Your school day consists of nothing but interacting with and being around people. You have classes with peers, you eat lunch with friends, you walk around campus crossing paths with a stranger. You are definitely around people all day long. If you are a people watcher, like me, you can see the girls laughing at the coffee shop around the corner, the friends head-banging to the same music on the light rail, and the couple walking to dinner with their fingers interlaced and eyes gazing into each other’s. The girls are most likely having girl time, talking about boys, class, wine, clothes, or work. The couple is probably deciding where to eat and talking about their day, and the friends are probably just indulging in their common interests. Each of these interactive scenarios express different layers of sociability, yet all are still some type of vulnerability and transparency. So, what is the difference between the two?

I understand transparency as being an open book with the ability to say, “That is not something I would like to discuss.” Whereas being vulnerable is being an open book with no reservations. What is terrifying about being vulnerable is hearing the reactions of the people you are vulnerable with. My closest group of friends–who I’ve been friends with the past ten to fifteen years–I know everything about, and they know everything about me. But if I were on the dating scene and I was trying to get to know someone, I would probably not jump right into the deep end of topics. I would want to know simple things such as: Where did you grow up? What are your goals in life? Where do you work or are you a student? What is your favorite food or drink? These are all questions that just touch the top layer of who someone is. I would call this being transparent. But when you have been in a relationship for six months or are approaching your one-year anniversary, I would hope that you would be having more intimate and vulnerable conversations that test the waters of your future together. This is yet more layers of vulnerability.

On the topic of vulnerability, intimacy is very important. When you are vulnerable with the person you like, you are creating a more intimate level to your relationship. Vulnerability is the gateway to intimacy. Even in friendships, there is a moment when you and your bestie become closer as friends. sSuch as, after going through a tough break-up or after experiencing a death in the family. These are the times your intimate and private conversations will bloom, but letting those walls down and exploring other levels of vulnerability is where the magic happens.

I understand it is terrifying to let someone in on a level like that. Some friendships do end up fizzling out and then that person knows things about you which you might not want them telling anyone else. This fear might be what keeps you from opening up and peeling back those layers with someone else. But if you never open up to anyone and keep yourself sheltered, you can end up pushing people who care about you away. So, is it worth keeping your walls up and not being vulnerable? You’ll never know until you try.

• Vulnerability