10 Tips for Surviving Halloween

Halloween is a time of fear-mongering, zombie attacks, and gore galore! Here are ten tips that are key to surviving the next few days of horrifying mayhem:

1 – Dye your hair brown, because the blondes always die first.

2 – TURN ON THE LIGHTS. If they don’t turn on, then you don’t go inside. Get in your car and leave.

3 – If your friend pulls out an Ouija board, don’t even say anything—just leave the premises.

4 – If there is a loud sound in your house, don’t leave your bedroom (aka defensible space) and walk downstairs saying something about your mama. I can guarantee that it isn’t her.

5 – When you go trick or treating, wear shoes that either slip off quick or you can jump hurdles in. They throw everything around in demon possessions. If they happen to get to one of your friends first, leap over the body and run like hell. You can mourn later.

6 – If someone screams and runs past you. Please follow the fleeing person. You can ask what happened later (or watch it on the News when you get home). I promise that you don’t need to know what’s going on right at that moment.

7 – If you see a person crawling around on the floor, or climbing into a gravity-defying twerk-esque position on a wall (or ceiling), please exit the building. They need help, but not yours.

8 – If your friends mention the words “graveyard”, “ghosts”, and “séance” in the same sentence. You need to find new friends.

9 – DON’T RUN UPSTAIRS.

10 – Carry salt with you EVERYWHERE.  If people ask questions, just say that the food was bland.