Edited By: Ananya Khandelwal
Yes, I do definitely love Maggi so much that I decided to dedicate an entire piece to it. It is truly ‘do minute mein khushiyan’, well maybe not exactly two minutes but you get the point.
What’s interesting to me is that everyone I know likes to add a different guilty pleasure to their Maggi to make it ‘perfect’. I hold the strong belief that the kind of Maggi you eat can be a direct reflection of your personal tastes and personality. So, if you are the kind of person who likes Egg Maggi, sorry to break it to you, but you’re remaining single for life.
So, here is my attempt at being your personal jyotish, to let you know that you can no longer blame your boring lifestyle choices on your Zodiac sign, but on the Maggi you choose to eat.
Special shoutout to SH2 uncle, without whom I don’t think I would have ever been able to think of this piece (RIP Ashoka ug24).
So go ahead, grab your own bowl of Maggi and let’s get started:
1. Classic Maggi
I ought to start with the most basic category of individuals who eat their Maggi as it is, add nothing for any extra flavour. You seem like the kind of people who also like Yellow Lays. You like life a certain way and don’t respond to change that well and therefore end up ordering the same goddamn penne pasta everywhere you go.
Additionally, your stationery kit is probably more colourful than your life, with your five different highlighters, only for you to write ‘POVERTY’ with glitter pens on the starting page of your notes. For some reason, you think Chai Latte and Bubble Tea are legit things??
Your 3 AM routine involves googling ‘how to twerk’ so that you can practise in front of your mirror in your fairy lights lit room.
You post a story of every visit to Starbucks, even though you just went there to use the washroom (to be fair, no one can afford Starbucks).
You have mustered up the courage to walk up to your mother to tell ask her about getting a tattoo, piercing, or blue coloured hair only for you to fail to even reach her room door for the 30th time (kyun bann rahe ho khatron ke khiladi?)
You are probably an Eco-Fin major who owns a pair of Nike Airforce or Adidas Superstars, and carry your Ipad almost everywhere, cause ~materiol gurl~
2. Masala Maggi (with extra Masala)
You’re the kind of person who walks around listening to your ‘main character’ playlist and plans an outfit for each day only for your crush to not even bump into you that day. Rip. And of course, you strategically choose to sit in the mess lawns where everyone can see you pretend to read ‘Homo Deus’.
You like to be updated on the drama and spice and feel the need to be constantly updated with other’s lives happenings, full neighbourhood wali aunty energy. Since you love drama so much, you often thrive in it and love to be the centre of attention and therefore, never ever handle your alcohol well, and end up texting your ex that broke up with you with the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. You are also the kind of person who has beef with that one kid from school who didn’t give you a friendship band on 2nd August. Hope you’ll get over it soon. For vacations, the only place you go to is Goa cause, of course, your aunt has a villa there, that has a pool, room service, everything.
Lastly, your masala~ness breaks down when you listen to the slow reverbed version of tumse hi and cuddle with your stuffed toy and cry yourself to sleep every night.
3. Veggie Delight
First of all, who hurt you? Why would you willingly do this to yourself? Sipping on green smoothies every Monday morning will not make up for the alcohol you consumed to drown your emotions over the weekend. You have no friends because you reply to those very thoughtful memes someone sends you with “I have already seen this”. Do you have a heart??
You get random urges at 3 AM in the night to suddenly get your life together, clean your desk workout and only drink diet coke.
Your social media is full of posts on ‘climate change’ and ‘save the earth’ but you end up taking a 2-hour shower in the mirror cause your imaginary situations somehow play out better for you than your real life. Also please stop singing in the shower, and leave that for Becky G.
You also watch a TedTalk once in three weeks and make it a point to let everyone around you know that you watched it and were ~enriched.
Lastly, your phone wallpaper is a picture of yourself,, please for the sake of the wellbeing of others around you, change it.
4. Butter Maggi
Literally, the best people on this planet and I’m totally not biased! Okay, no I have to be fair and objective, so here goes some self-roasting.
You use excessive amounts of butter to fill the void of loneliness in your life. Additionally, you haven’t exercised in almost 3 months and still don’t do anything about that (fair enough).
The idea of casual flirting doesn’t seem to exist in your dictionary, because you are still waiting to magically bump into someone, scattering their books only for your hands to touch while reaching out to the same book kind of love. Keep dreaming bestie <3
While you don’t like to admit it, you can’t handle constructive criticism and probably yeet after you don’t get the validation you hoped you would get. You need to have your phone/ TV/ Laptop volume at the multiples of 5 only.
You also take extremely hot showers, not for sexy purposes but just to replace the warmth you are lacking emotionally. You have still not removed your One Direction poster from your room because you naively believe that the band is going to get back together soon. You love watching morning and nighttime routine videos because watching someone else get their life together gives you the false hope that you can get yours back on track as well.
Lastly, you sleep with a minimum of eight pillows, each with their own designated position and purpose on the bed.
5. Egg Maggi
Okay, now hate has entered the chat. Those of you who have Eggs with your Maggi are purely and utterly disgusting. I honestly don’t even want to spend my time, energy and even words on such individuals. But I am pretty sure you guys and Ketchup Maggi eaters could really vibe together.
You strongly believe eating eggs would get you some of that protein that would make you muscular when the only weights you’ve ever lifted are your own emotional baggage. You also just don’t have a bath ever and enjoy cracking your knuckles just to annoy others.
You constantly compensate for the fact that you aren’t heard at home, or ever, and therefore are the loudest person in the room and the ‘know it all’ in class. Take a shot every time this kind of person uses the words ‘nuances’ and ‘hegemony’.
You own a band T-shirt of a band you haven’t even heard of.
Will always stop the microwave one second before it’s done.
You are the kind of person who never contributes to a group project and i despise you.
Well, I think that’s about it for now. You either think I am an extremely angry person or just a true genius, I would say the latter. Time to go start changing up your maggi, cause trust me, it’s going to be a part of your shaadi.com profile soon.
*cue Maggi ad music*
P.S The people who like ‘Top Ramen’ or ‘Yippee’ etc, really give off the ‘I’m not like other girls energy’.