Edited by: Lasya Adiraj
TW: Sexual abuse, Trauma
Picture this: it’s late, later than you should be awake for an 8:30 am class. You’re sitting in a circle with girls you barely know, feet propped up on couches. Someone laughs and says, yeah, this one time I was standing in the bus and this guy came up behind me and began groping me! Just like that! In broad daylight! You look around and everyone’s nodding, like they know exactly what she’s talking about and you’re confused. Is this normal? Is being violated in public amongst crowds of people something that should be #relatable? You’ve only heard of dark, desolate back alleys and shady predators lurking in corners, waiting to jump on you when your guard is down. Surely the 7 am line to the Padmanabhaswamy temple doesn’t make you think of men crowding you against the barricades with your parents just a few steps behind? Does everyone have a ‘story’? You don’t have one, do you?
You have thought about it a lot. Whether your ‘story’ even qualifies as a story. Whether you were being touched because the train braked too hard or because someone was assaulting you. Whether the waiting line for the food was just crowded or the man behind you was grinding against you. Whether you even have a good reason to feel dirty, uncomfortable, and violated or you’re just ‘making a big deal out of it’. The news is full of horror stories so intense that you convince yourself that what happened to you was insignificant. That it wasn’t worth a second thought. You take a long shower and try not to think about it for the next few years.
However, the feeling does not go away. It comes back, all hostile and uninvited, during another girls’ night; while reading another news article, or watching a movie regarding the same. You try to shake it off, only to realise that it is etched on your skin and your embodied memory of the unpleasant incident will not allow you to just forget it. The harsher truth is that it might never go away, but when you stop trying to forget about it, your body will also stop trying to remind you of it.
I know it is difficult not to consciously try and erase that incident from your memories altogether, but you have to give yourself the time and space to process it. People might tell you that being groped in public spaces is not a big deal, and that other girls have had it worse. They might ask you uncomfortable and invalidating questions like, “If it has been years since it has happened, why are you grieving it now?” When faced with people like these, you must remind yourself that you are allowed to deal with your trauma in the way that is best for you. It is a big deal. Nobody has the right to judge the extent of your trauma and whether it is traumatic enough. It has happened, and it is valid, no matter its nature. If you felt violated, you probably were. While realising that does not make it okay, it does make it something that you can and will get through.
The slope of healing is definitely not even or constant, but it will only stop at a high. A high that you wouldn’t even realise you’ve reached. It won’t announce itself. It won’t be anything very spectacular. You’d be playing with your cat or having a plain boring mess lunch and in that moment you will feel good. You will feel like yourself again. You will not forget about the incident or how it made you feel, but you will not let it affect you anymore.
Although the circumstances leading to it have been unfortunate, women have grown to be very resilient throughout the ages. We have an unbelievable amount of power and capability to start over. We build ourselves with everything we go through. It is an ongoing process, one in which we do not give up on ourselves, no matter what, and we should be proud of it.