The other day I woke up and knew one thing and one thing only–today, was a bad day. I don’t know if anyone else has ever felt it, but some days are just an immediate write-off and it feels like there’s nothing you can do but wait till tomorrow. I remember going about my life like it was a chore–making minimal conversation and just floating through my classes like a ghost. I think my plan was to do only what was absolutely necessary and head straight back to my room and just sit in my fog until I fell back asleep. And this wasn’t the kind of day where I felt like I needed ‘me time,’ or that I wasn’t in the mood to socialise, this was just a horrible feeling that I couldn’t shake or describe.
A friend asked me as well, “are you having a ‘you day,’ or do you want company?” and I just didn’t know. This feeling was making me dread the outside world, but also my own company and I couldn’t bring myself to make a decision about my life that I didn’t hate. For the sake of courtesy, I spent some time with my friend and incidentally was invited by a passing classmate to hang out with a small group in someone’s room. I found myself going with them, not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t have a clue how else to really spend my time. In their room, there was nothing but white noise playing loudly in my ears–I engaged in conversation, made small talk, smiled when required and laughed at the joke. Maybe a little less animated than I would be otherwise, but more or less, I was pulling a fantastic con. The thing is though, by the time I had to leave, something had changed, and I couldn’t tell what, but I was out of my Mood™, and I didn’t understand how.
I’ve been thinking about it for some time now though, and I’ve come to a two-way conclusion, and it’s nothing new–just, fake it till you make it, honestly. Somehow you can lie to yourself because maybe after a point it was too tiring for my mind to keep up with the charade, and so, it stopped being one. And it wasn’t just that, I think in a lot of ways, I was afraid of being around people, so I almost spent my day alone, but that was also something I didn’t want at all. The fact that I made the decision to be a part of the world and not let myself fester and stay holed up in what was bound to be an atmosphere reflective only of my feelings and nothing else, it changed the way I had to interact with my environment and by extension, myself. Granted, it didn’t change to the point where all of a sudden, I was flying and happy and it got to being the best day ever. But I was fine now, you know? Just, fine, and laughing because I meant it, after only an hour of laughing because that was what was socially required of me. Honestly, this is not a guide or an amazing new life hack, this is just my experience of one awful day that I changed. Sometimes, you don’t need to wait till tomorrow for a fresh start, no matter what that means, it can happen whenever you need it to, and whenever you decide.
Edited by Gauri Jhangiani