Here’s some [unnecessary] context for this article. While suffering from the disastrous gastric consequences of eating mess ka Chinese khaana, I came across an article about a 31-year-old woman from Connecticut who made nearly $2,54,000 by selling her farts in jars. This ‘fartrepreneur’, Stephanie Matto, went all out, deliberately including protein shakes in her diet so that her farts would “smell even more unpleasant”.
So many questions. Firstly, why? Secondly, who’s buying these jars? Lastly, where can I apply for this job? Will writing, “Knows Aada Paada Kaun Paada by heart,” in my resume fetch me brownie points?
This was just my✨preliminary research✨. I found out about people who were ‘professional mourners’, ‘paper towel sniffers’, ‘drying paint watchers’, ‘professional cuddlers’, and ‘chicken sexers’ (these people identify the sex of chickens, that’s about it).
I’ve seen a few episodes of Shark Tank India. I’ve given up on Superset anyway. So, the entrepreneur in me thought—perhaps I should pitch a list of jobs like these that SHOULD exist to make life easier and chart out potential employment opportunities for myself.
- Sleepover Prank-Protectors
I hate sleepovers. Because I’m usually the first one to fall asleep. Unfortunately, people like me tend to be victims of pranks—it’s an unwritten rule of the Sleepover Act. Nobody wants to wake up with a moustache scribbled on their face with a permanent marker. My brain goes all savdhaan rahe, satark rahe because of which I can’t sleep properly. And I sleep through the next day, with an expression that looks like both, a daadi with sleep apnea, and a 16-year-old after reading Shashi Tharoor’s, “Exasperating farrago,” tweet.
Imagine hiring someone to safeguard you from this shararat, going all, “NOOoooOoOoo,” in slo-mo if someone tries to mess with you. Someone makes an app, people put their profiles up, you hire these applicants before sleepovers, and whoosh—a 60% improvement in the quality of your sleep, a 30% chance for contending as the friend-group alpha, and a 100% chance of receiving gaalis from permanent-marker manufacturers is guaranteed.
- Christopher Nolan Movie-Explainers
If Christopher Nolan’s movies are like a classroom, I am Darsheel Safary from Taare Zameen Par.
And if Inception and Interstellar are your favourite movies, bas karo bhai, kitna jhoot bologe?
I spend 2 hours watching a Christopher Nolan movie, and 2 hours surfing the internet after the movie, trying to figure out what I just saw (after watching Tenet, I didn’t even try).
Watching a Nolan movie is serious business. You can’t scroll through Instagram side by side; you need to pay absolute attention. You’ve got to put up an Insta story after you’re done watching the movie, telling everyone to go watch it too (to feel equally stupid, of course).
I’ve always wondered what Nolan’s narrations are like. Do the actors understand the plot or are they also like, “Samajh nahi aaya, par sunn ke accha laga🤝”?
How about someone who can simplify Nolan’s plots and spot Easter eggs in his movies—someone who doesn’t entirely Physicsplain concepts to you but can still teach you enough scientific jargon to flex? There’d be a 40% increase in the respect you have for Nolan chacha, a 60% likelihood of you saying something beyond, “Arey that dream within a dream waala?” if I ask you to explain Inception at gunpoint, and a 90% big-brain moment for you in your friends. This is your main-character moment. Unless you’re both the antagonist and the protagonist. No wait, that was Scorsese’s movie. Nvm.
(Also, with every Nolan movie, you get Michael Caine, muft, muft, muft!)
- Ulti Estimators (Specialization: Carnival Rides)
If you’re someone with motion sickness, always throwing up on those Essel world rollercoasters that abruptly stop mid-air and suspend you at an angle of 180° for a good 10 seconds while you awkwardly adjust your t-shirt and your gut vertically directs your ulti downwards from up there (because, gravity), I salute you…because same.
Now, imagine a person who stands beside every ride with a sign, rating the chances of throwing up on the ride on a Motion Sickness Scale from 1 to 10. Perhaps an individual could pick their rides more wisely; instead of a 2/10 and a 3/10 ulti ride, they could be a daredevil, yet spare themselves some discomfort by directly opting for the 5/10 ride. Lesser rides to clean up; lesser discomfort for the over-enthu cutlet (who probably shouldn’t have eaten a cutlet before stepping onto the ride). If only I was as cool as Mr. Bean on roller coasters.
- Freelance Laugh-ers | Sexual-Joke Decoders
I need my own Archana Puran Singh.
I can’t just say something like, “How did the noodle end its prayer? With a r(amen)!” and have it fall flat. Validation, I need validation. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could hire people who could laugh at all your jokes—like those sidekicks who say, “Waah waah,” after every single Shayari? If there was an app for this, you could actually go through different types of laughs and pick the laugh you like the most. Freaking genius.
If laughing doesn’t pay well, perhaps these laugh-ers could serve as part-time sexual joke decoders, where they decode those sexual references people make, garnering an, “OOoOOoOoOoOo.” By God, I spent half my school life trying to understand what, “That’s what she said,” means.
The list doesn’t have to end here. Perhaps, you could have an Earphone Untangle-er to stop you from playing Cat’s Cradle with your earphones, a Parent Convincer who can make a PPT and argue why you’re the best child whenever you need permission for anything, a Vendor Debunker who can tell how much a seller is fooling you so you don’t feel bad when someone tells you they bought the same pants at Hill Road for just ₹100 or even a Thesis Buddy, who specifically specializes in areas pertaining to your thesis and is less intimidating than your professor.
Someday, if Superset fails you, remember this—your farts are precious.
Eat that damn mooli ka paratha.