Edited by: Kavya Mittal
Unsolicited advice. Muft ka gyaan. Gyaan-gratis. Exquisite ‘counsel’ of this sort paints a picture in my mind of a big-fat-shaadi in Dilli-ki-thand where old aunty-uncles you haven’t met for years give you life and career advice in between mouthfuls of moong dal halwa. That you don’t really remember asking for.
But what am I supposed to make of this stereotype that I’ve come to accept (& bear) when I see my cool, millennial, foreign-return uncle with an Olivier Giroud-Esque quiff haircut spouting eerily similar gyaan, just with an extra dash of ‘dude’ and ‘bro’? What do I do when my bestie questions Literature as my prospective major because “the future is only in tech, behen”? And lastly, what do I do when I attempt to give ‘concrete solutions’ to the drama in my friends’ lives when all they want to do is rant?
As usual, I find the answers to my (a)musings in cult classic films, this time — ‘Jab We Met.’ Geet and Aditya are both characters who’ve got their fair share of unsolicited advice from others. Geet has repeatedly been reminded that “tum ladki ho…” which leads to a bewildering euphemism about an open tijori. Aditya has been lectured for his ‘reckless’ behaviour by a loquacious dada ji-type employee. But they’ve both also been at the ‘giving’ end of such advice to one another at various points in the film, and that’s what makes gyaan-gratis so interesting. We all do it! Uncle, aunty, millennial, perennial, Gen-Z caught in a frenzy — we’ve all experienced it and have even practised it (as much as that hurts to accept).
Yet that doesn’t mean we can’t go batshit crazy when someone constantly pelos out gyaan. The only thing that’s always a problem — a good comeback only comes to me much after my much-unrequested counselling session. If you’d like to train yourself in the art of comebacks contra ridiculous, unasked-for advice, look no further than the dialogues of ‘Jab We Met.’ If you’d like to keep your own gyaan-giving in check, look no further than the dialogues of ‘Jab We Met’! If you can imagine someone giving you the comebacks you so wanna give others, just stop.
Gyaan-gratis #1: Don’t be depressed yaar. Be positive! Haso, jiyo, muskurao, kya pata kal ho na ho. Openly share na what’s wrong with you. Baat kya hai batao. Arre batao batao, sharmao nahi, batao na!
Aditya’s Comeback #1: TUM ho meri problem. Bolte ja rahe ho, bolte ja rahe ho. Tumhe samajh mein nahi aata ki main tumse baat karne mein interested nahi hoon?
Extra rant: You have diabetes right? Don’t be diabetic, yaar. It’s that simple. Just Don’t. Be. Diabetic. Haso, jeeyo, cake khao — chahe body mein insulin ho na ho!
Gyaan-gratis #2: Wear some dhang ke clothes, beta. You’ll show so much leg and clivez and then say Delhi is so unsafe. You’re a girl, you have to be very careful.
Geet’s comeback #2: Haan, jaise ki mujhe pata hi nahi main ladki hoon.
Extra rant: Bhaiiya, zara Wonder Woman ka suit dikhana. Thik price lagana bhaiyya. And does this talwar come free with the suit? Is this dhang ka aunty? I know you can still see my clivez and legs, but I have this talwar. Chalo, protection against perverts on the streets is sorted. Now how to protect myself from your worldview aunty?
Gyaan-gratis #3: You want to major in English and Creative Writing? Why? You must want to become an author. But you can become an author these days after doing anything and nothing. Look at Chetan Bhagat. So why do a BA degree? Do BSc no? It’s all nice to say “follow your passion, follow your passion,” but where is the money there? You have to be realistic. Do something like BSc then MBA then do a proper job that pays your bills — see I’m giving you practical advice. Once you are stable, then do your authoring-shothering aaram se. Don’t waste time doing English.
Aditya’s comeback #3: Aap kitna baat karte ho yaar! I mean, bohot maza aata hoga na aise baat karne mein? Pata hai, pichle kuch dinon se mujhe aap jaise hi mil rahe hain. Koi puchho mobile bill kitna aata hai sir ka.
Extra rant: How did you assume I want to be the next Chetan Bhagat? Na na. I will take your advice, do a BSc, then MBA and then become a stand up comic. Then you’ll pay to see my shows where I’ll make a living out of udaoing khilli of people like you because your stable life is oh so exciting! Chalega? Chalega.
Gyaan-gratis #4: You should really talk more. You can’t be such an introvert all your life, it’s an extrovert’s world out there. Everything is communication, communication, communication. Be confident, yaar!
Geet’s comeback #4: Aap jo yeh sab bol rahe hain, uske paise charge karte hain ya yeh muft ka gyaan hai? Good. KYUNKI CHILLAR NAHI HAI MERE PAAS!
Extra rant: If everything is “communication, communication, communication” then I think my English degree will help with that. You just sorted my life out, sweet! And right now that I spoke so much? Nice comeback na! Was that confident enough? Enough WPM? Aap convince ho gaye hain ya main aur boloon?
*Gyaan-gratis – gyaan is the Hindi word for knowledge, colloquially used as overbearing unsolicited advice and gratis is an English word of Latin origin meaning free. Thus, gyaan-gratis = free unrequested advice.