Edited by Aneesha Chandra
You are browsing through YouTube and chance upon a video titled ‘Date Night’. You cringe when you discover that the video is about a girl who decided to go on a date with herself. She wears a pretty dress, puts on lipstick, buys herself a red rose, and treats herself to a fancy dinner in a romantic restaurant. You think to yourself, “What is wrong with her? Why is she obsessed with herself?” But is pampering yourself and putting yourself first really self-obsession? I don’t think so. It is self-love.
It is a common mistake to confuse self-love for narcissism. Self-love is unapologetically directing love towards oneself, taking pride in one’s achievements, appreciating oneself, and prioritising oneself. It is healthy for one’s mental and emotional well-being. Narcissism, on the other hand, is a personality trait wherein one has a high sense of self and lacks empathy for others. This sense of self is not derived from the self, but depends on the constant validation of others. This is why narcissistic people crave the attention and approval of others. They usually have low self-esteem, unlike those who practice self love.
If self-love is healthy, then why is it sometimes looked down upon? One reason could be that it was considered synonymous with narcissism. It is hard to tell whether someone who posts multiple stories on their Instagram account on a daily basis is narcissistic or simply happy to share their world with others. However, most do not even consider the latter because they tend to attribute others’ behaviours with internal dispositions like personality traits. However, one cannot tell whether the other is relishing in self-love or narcissism based solely on their Instagram activity.
Movies and shows produced of late openly celebrate self-love and encourage you to adopt practices like going easy on yourself and establishing boundaries in relationships. This is a refreshing change in the discourse surrounding self-love. The line between narcissism and self-love is beginning to become clearer. However, there is still a long way to go in terms of accepting self-love as a desired quality in society. Differentiating between the two concepts can contribute to this. Here are some points to consider when inadvertently conflating the two.
- Narcissists believe that they are flawless. They are better than others and can do things better than anyone else. If someone points out a flaw, they most definitely are wrong. Self lovers on the other hand, accept that they have flaws and strive to work on them. Their sense of self stems from these flaws as they believe that flaws make them unique.
- People with self-love have a strong sense of empathy and humility. They motivate others to do better, provide a supportive environment for their friends, and take pride in their friends’ successes. Narcissists do not deal well with others’ successes. They cannot help but feel jealous, and can go so far as to undermine others’ successes in order to feel less threatened.
- People with self-love are receptive to the emotions of others. They are likely to offer their services to alleviate others’ pain and suffering if they can. Narcissists cannot reflect others’ emotional states. They may show concern by repeatedly saying that they are worried for the other, but this is all for show. They are not capable of feeling genuinely for others. They feed off of others’ miseries as it inflates their sense of self.
If you could relate to any of the things said about narcissists, do not conclude that you are a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality disorder which requires a clinical diagnosis. It is natural to display tendencies resembling the ones described as narcissistic but these are not definite indicators of a narcissistic personality. So do not overthink and worry about the next time you feel jealous of your friend’s accomplishments. It does not make you a narcissist, it makes you human. Instead, focus your attention on how to indulge in self-love without being worried about how it may be perceived by others. Respect yourself and your desires. Learn to forgive yourself when you make mistakes. Exercise to be healthy. Loving yourself is not a crime. It is not narcissism.