Edited by: Malavika Suresh
TikTok and Instagram reels have seen the resurgence of everyday sexism perpetuated by women themselves, in the form of the “pick me” girl trend, a more modern and recent version of the “Not Like Other Girls” archetype, wherein people disengage from femininity in the name of social desirability. The “pick me” girl eschews ‘traditionally female’ interests and distinguishes herself from the collective by engaging in constructs of masculinity in a bid to impress men. These girls praise themselves for playing video games, refusing to do makeup, and dressing in loose, traditionally masculine clothes while condemning those who do wear form-fitting clothing and wearing makeup as doing so to attract male attention. Through this, not only are gender stereotypes and roles perpetuated and solidified, but other women are also criticized and put down for engaging in these activities.
The “pick me” trend on TikTok consists of a section of Lil Uzi Vert’s song “Heavy Metal” that goes: “I got these girls and they fightin’ all up and like / And they screamin’ out like, “Pick me,” like, “Pick me” / “Pick me,” like, “Pick me,” like, “Pick me,” like, “Pick me”.” This audio is attached to video clips of women criticizing the “pick me” girls described above. The caption usually goes something like “when girls…” with an attached description of what a girl might do that conforms with the notion of a “pick me” girl. While this trend based on denunciation and criticism itself is problematic, it began to evolve into something far more toxic when girls were shamed for mundane, everyday lifestyle choices that are thought to have been made under the guise of desiring male attention. Some of these girls are even critiqued for playing a sport, dressing in sweatpants as opposed to dresses and skirts, for “being short”.
In an ironic twist, while ‘pick me girls’ denounce the “girls they are not like” for acting to attract male attention, those who critique the “pick me” girls make the same claim: that complying with traditionally masculine behaviors is a means to identify with men’s interests premised on the desire for male attention.
The degradation and belittlement of women for doing things they might genuinely enjoy is a product of internalized misogyny; wherein socially perpetuated misogynistic actions are absorbed and internalized by women, whose actions reflect this. The criticism of the “pick me” girls who distance themselves from traditional notions of femininity is positioned as a feminist critique, but itself is riddled with internalized misogyny. Women claiming to be self-aware and societally aware of this discrimination who then go on to make videos consisting of a scathing critique of “pick me” girls seem completely unaware of their prejudices.
Internalized misogyny often manifests itself as an active attempt to disjunct oneself from the collective. This separation from what is the normative and stereotypical image of women’s behaviors, actions, and preferences, can be in the form of behaving in a way that is incompatible with these stereotypes for the sole purpose of not conforming to them, or by active criticism of those who do conform.
In the case of the “pick me girl” who attempts to distance herself from traditional notions of femininity, masculinity is pedestalized and femininity is devalued. The irony and hypocrisy arise when those who critique “pick me” girls vilify them for having their own individual interests. There is a difference between “pick me” girls who believe that acting in masculine ways makes them ‘better’ and those who genuinely enjoy traditionally masculine things. The difficulty in being able to discern this difference leads to a blanket condemnation of girls with these interests, which is where the problem arises. In the trend, the “pick me” girls are criticized for putting down women based on individual differences and are thought of as implicitly anti-feminist, but this is exactly what this trend attempts to do, under the guise of pseudo feminism. Calling people out on their internalized misogyny in such a personalized and toxic manner does nothing to dismantle these structures.
It is important to realize that criticism on a targeted, individual level, does nothing to undo the deeply entrenched societal polarization of interests, and the relegation of certain activities to a certain gender, which is where these “pick me” girls arise from. Both “pick me” girls, as well as those who criticize them, are problematic. The former because of solidification of gender norms and the pedestalization of traditional masculinity, and the latter because of their pseudo-feminist critique that takes the form of belittling other women who might even be unaware of their own internalized misogyny, rather than actively trying to dismantle it.
The problem with a language constructed in the form of gender binaries is that words, constructs, and actions are placed on two ends of a spectrum, and act as opposing foes with no point of convergence. These stereotypes manifest in society, girls can either like to put on makeup or watch sports, but never a combination of both. If we’re smart and career-oriented, we must not care about our appearance, because that detracts from the image of ‘seriousness’. Attacking societal constructs is the only way to undo and unravel the need to reject or conform to gender norms, with the dissolution of the gender norms themselves. Criticizing other women for the behaviors that society has caused the internalization of, is not enough to change the existence of the constructs themselves, and only serves to shame people for their (conscious or unconscious) choices. Solutions to this must be in the realm of a critique of the construct, rather than the individual, and the first place to start is by de-rigidizing our descriptive language of interests and traits, divesting ourselves of heavily gendered language and stereotypes.