Edited by: Lavanya Goswami
I’m sure most of you saw this article coming, —maybe not this specific article, but something along the lines of it, I mean. Come on, the hype around Euphoria has been insane, and that’s just putting it lightly. And we, or maybe just I, being the opportunistic deviant (some people would prefer the term girlboss) that I am, had to capitalise on it at least a little bit.
I’m sure this is a long time coming, so let’s talk about it. I don’t know about you, but half the things going around in Euphoria High School would in no way have been tolerated in my school, despite it being one a (relatively) liberal, private one. I promise you, it’s not half as bratty as it sounds.
But you know what, we’ve all lived different lives, maybe your high school was more Euphoria – adjacent than mine and that’s alright. I can’t speak to everyone’s experiences but I can certainly speak to mine and I hope that it’s at least a little relatable (and entertaining) to everyone reading this.
Let me introduce you to the International School That Shall Not Be Named, and I’m putting ‘international school’ in there because that really does not give anything away, there are probably about five hundred international schools in a single state alone (don’t quote me on this.) Back to the ISTSNBN—it wasn’t all bad, me and my friends had some good times, some crazy stories—(not Euphoria crazy but enough to make), there wasn’t detention so much so as there was immediate punishment…you know the good old trusty shouting in your face, standing outside the classroom, the occasional ear pulling. On the wilder side, random bag checks sometimes revealed a few cigarettes, blunts (even a vape pen once—I remember being very fascinated by the concept of a device that could function both as a pen and a smoke dispenser — in hindsight it probably wasn’t what I thought it was.) Speaking of random bag checks, that was a thing! I’m not sure how that would have turned out in Euphoria High School — it would probably have resulted in the confiscation of piles of condoms, weed, needles, the occasional weird sock and ended up traumatising the teachers, maybe not their teachers — definitely mine though, oh those poor things, I hope none of them are watching Euphoria now.
Although my school really wasn’t that bad — by which I mean strict, except I remember once that I forgot my 2nd Language home assignment and got sent to the Vice Principal and she told me I was losing myself to destructive ways and she could tell because of the single loose strand of hair escaping my ponytail. So, that was definitely an experience, as a ninth grader. My math teacher also once actually cut my friend’s bangs since she deemed it to be obscuring her vision, thereby leading her to not pay any attention in class. I wish I was making this up, unfortunately I am not. My friend’s attention issues did not improve, so I’m guessing that method wasn’t very tried or tested. I don’t bring up the clothing restrictions because we had uniforms, and frankly, even if we didn’t, I doubt anyone would have taken the opportunity to come to school dressed like Kat, Cassie and/or Maddie given how notoriously terrible fifteen-year-old desi boys are, and how much more notoriously terrible middle-aged balding male teachers are!
Although I feel like I’ve misled you with the title, you didn’t sign up to hear my high school experience, you probably thought this article was going to place our beloved (questionable adjective?) characters in an Indian school setting and basically turn them into desi versions to see how they would navigate their way in a typical Indian school — which doesn’t sound too bad actually, let’s go with that.
Let’s start with Maddie! You just know that Maddie would be Kareena Kapoor’s iconic character—Poo from Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gum incarnate and go to salons every week with her mom and take her eyebrow threading very seriously and wear two-inch-thick kohl to school every day, which would probably get her sent to the Pprinciple every two days, but some sacrifices are worth it. Her shower playlist would consist of all the classics—Sheila ki Jawaani, Chikni Chameli, Yeh Ishq Haye, etc.
Nate on the other hand would probably think Kabir Singh was the best movie of the decade, have Dabangg posters all over his walls and hang out perpetually at the gym. He would also speak solely in hindi slang, follow literally every offensive desi creator on Instagram and live off a steady diet of protein, milk and bad Bollywood movies. He would starts trembling and shaking if you called him a feminist.
Kat would run an Aishwarya Rai stan account on twitter and engage in tumblr discourse involving SOTY and YJHD meta and maybe defend them as the best coming of age films of our generation. And she would be somewhat right, I’m pretty sure Student of the Year changed the trajectory of most of our lives on some level.
Cassie would be a 90’s Bollywood fan and would try to emulate as much of their fashion as she could, within restraints of course—school uniforms that is. I’m not sure how well gigantic hair puffs go with the modern twentieth century everyday Indian school uniform, but I’m pretty sure she would find a way to make it work. She would love love, especially old 90s Bollywood love and dream of meeting her Raj or Prem or Rahul in college and living out the perfect Bollywood coming of age life. Her favourite movie? Kuch Kuch Hota Hain. (This or DDLJ).
Rue and Jules would definitely meet in an all-girls school, a strict one at that probably a Convent, and fall in love in the midst of talking shit about the teachers nuns and going on stake – outs in the middle of the night. Rue would listen religiously to Prateek Kuhad and love Kaccha Mango bites. Jules would favour Melody toffees more and her playlist would include more mainstream pop. She would love Sunidhi Chauhan and Jhumpa Lahiri. They would binge watch fleabag, exchange Anita Desai, Salman Rushdie and Khaled Hosseini books and bond over sapphic sexual awakenings (Shego from Kim Possible and Ms.Taarika from CID. Obviously.)
And you know what, this would make for an amazing sitcom, HBO India if you were ever to see this…i’m waiting!
That being said, while Euphoria is amazing, and crazy and engaging, it’s okay to not see ourselves in it, because even apart from the gaping cultural differences, it’s also a much more extremist and dramatised retelling of the average highschool experience (for the sake of cinema–well that’s what they’re telling themselves.) So, if you prefer KKHH, 3 Idiots, or even Taarak Mehta ka Ooltah Chashmah to it, you’re more than valid for it.
Happy Binging everyone :)