A Big Sister’s Guide to Surviving the Love Story That Wasn’t: Psychological
Insights and Practical Advice.
Written by: Paridhi Prabhakar
Edited By: Samaira Kumaran
Love is in the air-, or so you thought until he told you it wasn’t love after all?!
Every girl has a story, some situationship in her teenage that ruined her life, blew it all up, and it always mysteriously happens at 17 or 19. Why is that? Is there something about that age? Some wizard casting spells for all of girlhood to be doomed to this fate? Honestly, it probably has a little more to do with psychology than magic (though I wouldn’t entirely discount that either). Allow me, think of me as your Didi, to take you along for a little analysis into why this happens and how you can avoid it, or if it’s already happened, how you may heal from it.
In order to do a proper psychological analysis, because smart girls believe science and not empty words, we first need to define what a situationship is. A situationship occurs when two people are in an ‘in between phase’ of friendship and relationships. The couple does everything one would in a relationship but have no label out of fear of making things serious or messy, which ironically makes the entire situation messier (Urban Dictionary: Situationship, n.d.). The typical characteristics of this relationship include phrases like “Let’s not put a label on it” or “ I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” The actions speak louder within this problem, as they leave you on delivered for hours only to come back with loving words and a barely believable excuse. You go on dates and remain exclusive to each other, sharing movie-like moments under the stars only for things to go south when you ask, “what are we?” The mounting confusion is something no one deserves, and there is evidence that this ambiguity is more harmful than we think.
Relationship inauthenticity, or the deviation of a relationship away from what one may expect as a series of events in natural succession like a relationship script, can be seen in the form of the emergence of a situationship. Let’s think of it this way, the first thing that turns this cycle is attraction, then you begin talking to the person and getting to know them better which after a point you would expect will turn into a full-fledged relationship and finally into love. When something does not follow that script, such is the case of the situationship where the expectation of the next step does not get fulfilled but the actions and feelings of love match what would be a labeled relationship, one gets frustrated and confused. In a study about the same, it was found that such relationships may put girls at an increased risk of severe depression and suicidal ideation (Soller, 2014).
Now I understand that this was very heavy to learn about but fear not! Another study was conducted into relationships at 18-19 and it was found that teenagers with good coping skills and strong friendship systems to rely on are at a much lower risk of depressive symptoms (Szwedo et al., 2014). So keep your romantic interest close but keep your friends closer! They are much more important than someone who says, “Ugh, I like what we have so why complicate it??”
We have been talking a lot about the consequences of these relationships but not why they even happen in the first place. Do we think the peering eyes of aunties and the judgemental stares of uncles also has something to do with this phenomenon? Absolutely. Society as set up in India heavily discourages any teenage relationships whatsoever, but it forgets to account for the fact that this is the stage of life where we learn the most about ourselves, our likes, dislikes, even our own bodies. It seems basic that dating must fall within that realm too. How will we know what kind of person is suited to us unless we have spent time getting to know different kinds of people? The shame attached with dating, which weighs heavier on girls than on boys, leads to there being a large lack of guidance. Without the accessibility of talking to an elder who can help guide you through this whirlpool of emotions, we tend to make the wrong decision and end up in terrible relationships. Studies too have seen that parental support and guidance can improve relationship quality and build self-esteem (Teotia & Jakhar, 2024). Instead of judgment, a little more compassion from the aunties could help more than we know.
Now that all is said and all is done, it’s time to listen to some advice from your Didi. However, it is entirely fair for you to ask what makes me even remotely qualified to give you this advice? I love that you are using critical thinking, let me get you some reassurance. I have been a certified crisis counsellor for a while now and I have talked to a lot of teenagers about teenage relationships and helped them through the pain of a situationship. Trust me, I got you.
So, what advice can I give?
- Keep your friends close. No one understands this pain more than a group of people who have gone through the same. If anyone you have a situationship with ever asks you to cut off your friends for them, that is an instant red flag. Stop the race (F1girlies I see you). Do not break all your support systems for anyone, even a fully fleshed relationship. Humans are social animals; you need your friends, even science says so!
- Know your worth! If you want clarity, do not feel like you need to settle for a “let’s just go with the flow.” Be clear with yourself about what it is that you want, what it is that is good for you and then stick to it! You do not need to lower yourself for someone else. Do not tolerate things that hurt you under the guise of ‘not being official yet’
- Set the boundaries. What do you want? Are you OK with no labels? If not, then speak up. Check in with yourself: if you feel anxious, undervalued, you’re giving more than you’re getting.
- Clear communication. Let them know! If it hurts, if it’s confusing, if it does not align with what you are comfortable with, tell them about it. You are not being difficult for wanting clarity. Be honest and expect honesty from them. Ask the big questions, ask the hard questions. The discomfort will be worth it.
- Be okay with walking away. If the conversations are feeling like a loop, like nothing is coming out of it and all it does is leave you feeling drained then it is not worth it. You and your mental health are worth more than a relationship and it is okay to walk away from things that are harming you.
- Focus on your goals. Keep your hobbies, goals, school, work, and sport intact. Do not get lost in the haze of confusion, you as a person are much more important. Relationships are meant to compliment you and add value to your life, not take away from it.
- Seek support: Talk with trusted friends/family, consider counselling if you feel loss of self-worth, persistent sadness, anxiety or thoughts of suicide and self harm.
- Be patient: It’s okay to wait for something healthy. At 17–19 you have your whole life ahead, it makes sense to feel like you are falling behind but I promise you that you are not.
I promise you that you can get through this and that you are not alone in this. It’s a very well known phenomena for a reason! The one situationship that ruins your life at 17, mine happened then too :)
That’s all I have for you today, I truly hope this helped!
Always looking out for you,
The eldest daughter,
Your Didi,
Paridhi Prabhakar.
References
(Because I would never do you dirty by telling you things that aren’t backed by evidence)
Soller, B. (2014). Caught in a Bad Romance: Adolescent Romantic Relationships and Mental Health. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 55(1), 56–72. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022146513520432
Szwedo, D. E., Chango, J. M., & Allen, J. P. (2014). Adolescent Romance and Depressive Symptoms: The Moderating Effects of Positive Coping and Perceived Friendship Competence. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 44(4), 538–550. https://doi.org/10.1080/15374416.2014.881290
Teotia, I., & Jakhar, G. (2024). Building Blocks of Love: How Parental Support Influences Teen Relationships and Self Concept. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, 12(2). https://doi.org/10.25215/1202.100
Urban Dictionary: Situationship. (n.d.). Urban Dictionary. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Situationship