“Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn have broken up after six years of dating, a source close to the pair confirms to PEOPLE. The split news comes as Swift is traveling the country for her sold-out Eras tour, at which the actor hasn’t been spotted.”- PEOPLE Magazine
Hearts were shattered, lives were ruined, insta bios changed to read “child of divorce” and Cornelia Street listened to on repeat. It is truly a catastrophic time for Swifties and non-Swifties alike. So before you dip to watch “Joe and Taylor being soulmates for 13 minutes straight” for the 13th time today, let’s consolidate our grief and curate our reaction to the hypothetical break-up of the following celebrity (and fictional) couples. So that we can be less embarrassing the next time.
Breaking News: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively announce divorce after 11 years of marriage
Do’s:
- Drink a lot of water
- Do Yoga maybe (Anulom-Vilom works wonders)
- Remember to leave your room for power walks and daily energization
- Be Normal
- Take regular showers
- Read the newspaper (NOT Entertainment Tonight or PinkVilla)
Don’t(s):
- Watch Ryan and Blake compilations on youtube
- Listen to All Too Well of repeat
- Open twitter (important)
- Open instagram
- Open whatsapp
- Open tumblr
- Read trashy tabloids (see above apprehension in Do’s column)
If you’re laughing at this, just remember: you did all of the things you were not supposed to when you heard that Joe and Taylor broke up. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are a beautiful couple, but your notions of love in real life should not be affected by them breaking up. You, a struggling college student, need not worry about the future of their children post-divorce. You should not, essentially, mentally cos-play as Blake Lively and try to find your own Ryan Reynolds in Ashoka. Because it’s not gonna happen. Instead, you will stop procrastinating and go about writing that assignment that was due 3 days ago. You missed the deadline unfortunately, as you were busy scrolling through @VancityReynolds account on twitter and screenshotting every mention of Blake while listening to “Call it what you want” on repeat. Be happy, at least it’s not All Too Well.
Rick Riordan breaks-up Percabeth in upcoming novel
Breathe. Just breathe. In and out. Anulom-vilom. Believe it or not, every atom of my body fought my brain when the thought was formed. But in order for this guide to be somewhat effective, we need to plan our reactions to this very extreme hypothetical scenario. The first and foremost thing that we will not be doing, is planning Uncle Rick’s assassination. Because you see, denial is a thing, especially when it comes to fictional OTPs. How do you think love triangles survive? Also, fanfiction exists, my children. So when our favorite author or show decides to fatally end our OTP, we plug in our earphones, and enter into our imaginary world where we’re not sad excuses of human beings, and our OTPs live to see an old, ripe age via the godly medium- AO3.
Jokes aside, we really need to get our shit together people. It is absolutely not okay to let the lives of people we don’t really know affect us so much. And if you’re going to come at me with the “OH, I’m only worried about Tay-tay’s happiness”, just don’t. We both know that it’s the lack of control over a stranger’s life that bothers us– we are so in love with the curated lives of celebrities, that it gives us some sense of control over our own. If they can have fairytale romances, so can we. But if suddenly that fairytale romance becomes real, we can’t handle it. Because the moment something becomes real, we lose control over it. And I get it, I really do. We normal people don’t really have happening lives, and living vicariously through celebrities is a very easy habit to get into, especially after the pandemic. But these people are real human beings, who make the same wacky choices that we do, and it is imperative to understand this very simple fact. I mean, if you think about it, listening to the Lover album by Taylor Swift just got a whole lot better (because you know she’s NEVER gonna walk Cornelia street again!).