1.) Gotta get a good seat. It’s going to be packed, right? Of course it is. It’s sex. I literally just paid to watch a nice hour and a half of semi-graphic pornography, and for whatever reason, a lot of people will pay great money for that. I don’t want a fat bald guy in my way – no, wait. Oh, God. I hope there is no fat bald guy in the theater tonight. Gross.
2.) Gross, fat bald guy. With your overly-done wife…please, go home, and tell her to wear a bra. Go home to your children that you left with the nanny. God, I do not want to know what your plans are after this movie is over.
3.) These hens need to shut up. They’re all squawking next to me about laundry and the PTA meeting. Gross, again. Where are all of my sorority sisters? I’m clearly in the wrong section. This is humiliating.
4.) Oh my God, it’s starting! This is it. This is what I’ve heard so much about. Bring it on.
5.) Wait – that’s what was underneath his shirt? That was mildly anti-climactic. Mr. Grey needs to replace that red room with a gym, jeez. I’m a little disappointed.
6.) Was that in the book? I wonder if that was in the book. Maybe I should have read it – no, I don’t want to…but I do. I kind of do. Just not in public…but is it creepy to read it alone? *looks at middle-aged women* No, it’s not creepy for me to read it alone.
7.) I am so glad I did not see this with my mother. God bless all the poor souls that had to endure that, and that had to explain…that.