If you’ve ever watched Parks and Recreation, you’ve probably noticed Ann Perkins continually changes herself according to whatever relationship she’s in. Whether she’s with Andy constantly wearing flannel and listening to rock music, or with Chris doing hours of endless yoga and meditation, Ann finds her identity in those she dates.
Even if you don’t watch Parks and Rec, you can probably see this girl pretty vividly. I’ve seen many of my friends lose their individual identities in their relationships, and I must say I’ve been one of those girls too. At first it’s easy to do, you want to bond over your partner’s interests, and trying to get into their different tastes in music is a simple step, right? In fact, it can make a relationship stronger if you’re willing to take an interest in things that they love. But I’m talking about girls who begin to take on the identity of their partners; I’m talking about relationship chameleons.
I have had two two-year relationships since I was 14. My first long-term boyfriend was a long-haired, skinny jean wearing hippie boy. At the time, I was pretty “scene” looking too. I had some delusional idea to dye my hair black and listen to only screamo. I really don’t know. When I met him I began finding myself holding my tongue on my own feelings. He thought tattoos were stupid; I didn’t, but for some reason—maybe it was my low self-esteem—I found myself agreeing with him. I stopped hanging out with my friends he disapproved of and became this like carbon copy of something I thought he would admire. It wasn’t until after two years I found myself so detached from the girl I had become that I broke up with him.
But still, I dated someone else a year later and did the exact same thing. He was huge into reading philosophy, listened to only rap music and did a lot of drugs. I found myself agreeing with his weird ideas, and while I did find a lot of things I am now interested in by dating him, I wasn’t really myself. I decided, near the end of our relationship, to be exactly who I wanted to be. I didn’t care to fit into a mold of what every other girl was wearing, and I regularly started adorning heart-shaped sunglasses. I felt great. I began to explore my own ideals about culture, feminism and justice, and started opening up with my struggles with depression. After a while, it became clear he didn’t really appreciate me for who I was becoming. I ended things and I’ve never been happier.
In meeting new boys and being myself, I have discovered that more of them are completely accepting of my weird, quirky personality. I have been more appreciated than ever before, and I will never be a relationship chameleon again. I’ve decided to do whatever I want, to be whomever I want. It’s that simple.
If you’ve ever found yourself becoming or being a relationship chameleon, remember these things:
1. Be Exactly Who You Are
This is the simplest piece of advice I can offer someone who is starting or in a relationship. If you’re ever worried if they’ll disapprove of your thoughts or actions, be yourself anyways. There’s nothing wrong with opening up about your feelings or ideas, and there’s also nothing wrong with skipping a day of wearing makeup. You are beautiful exactly how you are, and if your partner is right for you, they’ll see that too.
2. Your Partner Deserves Honesty
Most people want the person that they’re dating to be upfront and honest with how they view the world. I mean do you want to date a complete pushover that agrees with you on everything? Probably not. One of the great things about dating is finding out about another person. You can find new music you love, go to new places around town, and see a different perspective of the world. It’s such an amazing thing and you don’t want to rob yourself and your partner of the opportunity to explore new horizons.
3. Dump Him If He Doesn’t Like You
I spent my last two years in what I would call a “fair-weather relationship”. He only really stuck around if things were easy and fun. It wasn’t until I opened up about my feelings of anxiety that I would find him going silent for days. It wasn’t very fair, and what really changed my perspective was seeing my amazing friends (who knew the real me) support me and build me up to be better. I realized how loved I really was and it was pretty easy kicking someone to the curb who didn’t understand how awesome I really am. Dump that dude if he doesn’t like who you are all the time.
4. Compromise is Great, But Not All The Time
There are some things in which we can all improve. Someone I dated made me curse a lot less, and that’s probably good for me. I also had a best friend get her boyfriend to quit smoking, and that’s great. But at the end of the day, if you don’t want to do something or be pressured in a situation, don’t do it. If, for instance, you absolutely cannot stand camping and you’re dating an avid outdoorsman, then don’t go all the time. Your partner will probably appreciate that since they don’t want to be miserable too.
5. Find Your Identity Within Yourself, Not Relationships
This goes for any type of relationship. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a romance or a friendship, you have to find yourself on your own. You can’t begin to have healthy relationships with those around you if you don’t begin to develop your own interests or opinions. Find new hobbies and skills. If you’re even slightly interested in doing something, do it. Relationships are meant for building us up and teaching us new things. For most of my life, I’ve built it upon relationships with those around me. People inspire and fascinate me, and that’s a great thing, but they don’t define me. You define yourself. You can be whomever you want, whenever you want. Don’t be afraid of that.
I’ve learned to never apologize for the things I believe in because it’s like apologizing for being exactly who I am. Once you start finding your own identity without trying to just blend into your own surroundings, you’ll find more love and appreciation from yourself and others than ever before.
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