“Why did you and (fill in the blank) break up?” It’s a complicated question that usually can’t be answered in a passing conversation. For me personally, I didn’t even know how to answer that question. Why DID we break up? Coming to terms with the reason for a breakup is one of the most important steps in the healing process because there’s always a “why,” and that “why” is the reason that you need to move on.
Going through a breakup myself recently, I’ve realized that sometimes it’s simply just the end of a season. There doesn’t have to be one big fight or one big horrible reason for ending a relationship. Sometimes it’s just over. Personally, I was trying to live in my freshman year relationship when I wasn’t a freshman anymore. At some point, what I wanted changed and more importantly, what I needed changed. I grew up, and along with that came the realization of what I want in a relationship and how I want to be treated. And he wasn’t it, no matter how badly I wanted to make it work and how heartbroken I am that it didn’t.
The scary truth is that people change. Seasons change. The end of a season doesn’t have to be sad. You don’t cry when summer is over because you know fall is ahead. If you lived in the same season of your life forever, you wouldn’t ever experience the next one. You can’t wear fall clothes once the season changes to winter—it would make you uncomfortable. It’s the same thing in a relationship. You can’t live in last season’s relationship or last season’s “wardrobe,” because it will make you uncomfortable, and there’s nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in your own relationship. I was trying to make my relationship the same as it was last year, and that’s not how it works. You need a relationship that grows and changes with the season. Not a relationship that is moving backwards, or staying in the same place.
I’m going to let you in on a secret: You. Deserve. More. During the breakup conversation, I told him that I deserve more and it wasn’t me trying to be rude, or get in one last dig before the end. It was because that’s what I realized in that very moment. Why am I settling? I’m 19 years old. I don’t need to settle; I have my whole life ahead of me. What does it say about myself if I am choosing to settle before I even live my life? You know what it says? It says I need to work on my perception of my self-worth. Because you are worth the world, and settling isn’t allowing yourself to feel that.
So stop settling. Be in the relationship that you need, not just the relationship you want in the moment. And that might take time. Learn to be okay with changing your wardrobe for every season. Your college days are your time of trying on new things to see if they fit: sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, and sometimes they might even fit for a while, but then you grow out of them.
That’s when you realize there are times when you have to throw away the clothes that don’t fit you anymore, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t a good outfit at the time.