As you may have heard by now, Sean Miller is staying at Arizona and has agreed to a contract extension. According to Arizona Athletics, the terms of the deal will not be released until they are approved by the Arizona Board of Regents. Miller met with Maryland athletic director Kevin Anderson in Las Vegas Saturday afternoon to discuss the possibility of taking over the recently vacated coaching job. Being the unbelievable journalist that I am, I secured a transcript of the conversation between Miller and Anderson. Don’t ask how. Here’s how it went down:
Kevin Anderson: Sean, thanks so much for sitting down with me today. The people of Maryland are thrilled at the idea of having you coach our team.
Sean Miller: Of course. It’s an honor even to be considered.
Anderson: I’m sure you already know all about the program’s history. Do you have any questions for me?
Miller: Could you just tell me about living in College Park? As you know, I’m an East Coast guy, but I haven’t spent much time in your neck of the woods.
Anderson: Sure. Well, the weather is lovely. It’s quite humid and rainy all summer, and bitterly cold and snowy all winter. I’m sure it beats Arizona’s weather.
Miller: No, not really. But the dust and plants have been giving my wife allergy problems. Would she be comfortable out there?
Anderson: Oh, absolutely. Unless she’s allergic to sewage and rats. That could be an issue.
Miller: OK, that’s disgusting. What about my kids? Would they be safe?
Anderson: Without a doubt. The chances of becoming a victim of a violent crime in Maryland are only one in 134.
Miller: That’s really not that great.
Anderson: But College Park’s theft rate is only two percent higher than the national average! It’s just 24 percent!
Miller: You’re saying one in four people get stolen from?
Anderson: Well, yeah, but only the rich ones. You’ll be fine.
Miller: (Pauses) Please remind me of what your record was this year?
Anderson: It only took us six weeks to get to 20 homicides this year. That’s our newest record.
Miller: I actually meant in basketball.
Anderson: Oh. We went 19-14.
Miller: And how far did you get in the tournament?
Anderson: Which one?
Miller: Um, the NCAA tournament?
Anderson: Didn’t go.
Miller: The NIT?
Anderson: Wasn’t invited.
Miller: So there were at least 100 D-I teams better than Maryland this season?
Anderson: What’s your definition of “better”?
Miller: Look, I’m starting to think this is a waste of time. I took my guys to the Elite Eight this year and was a shot away from the Final Four.
Anderson: But you’d get to take the team to Puerto Rico for a tournament in November!
Miller: I live right next to Mexico. If I want an E. coli infection, I’ll just take a day trip.
(Miller’s phone rings)
Miller: Wait, let me grab this. It’s Greg. (On the phone) Mr. Byrne! Hey! (Pauses) What’s that? You reworked the extension? I get my squadron of stealth fighters and the dog butler? You got yourself a deal.
Anderson: Wait! Just like that, you’re not interested anymore?
Miller: Interested? Child, please. I was never interested. It’s called using your potential offer as a bargaining chip. Now go away so I can get back to winning in Arizona.