I dare you to count the number of times you apologize in a day. If you do, you’re much braver than me; it’s been brought to my attention numerous times from various sources that “I’m sorry” is a part of my regular vocabulary. I apologize for any minor inconvenience I perceive that I have caused. When I’m walking, I’ll apologize for not getting out of someone else’s way or for things that I had no control over. Studies show that I’m not the only woman experiencing this oozing sorriness. In an Association for Psychological Science study, male and female participants recorded the number of times they apologized daily, women recorded apologizing and committing more offenses. The study concluded men have a higher threshold for what is offensive and worthy of an apology. (Schumann, Karina, and Ross)
As children, we are taught that saying sorry is always the right thing to do. Phrases such as “boys will be boys” give boys a false sense that actions do not need to be organized or considerate. Throughout history, women have been portrayed as over-emotional and illogical but are assigned the societal role of peacemaker in the home. Simultaneously, the man is free from worry and guilt; he can do what he wants as long as he provides for his family. As young girls, we watch fairytales with submissive Princesses and damsels in distress who have experienced hardship until a Prince saves them. When I walked downtown Asheville, NC, at night, and men approached me asking to walk me to work, I looked at them and said “sorry, no.” Like I have anything to be sorry for, as if I need a Prince to “protect” me, the real danger lies in saying yes to the stranger. Stop apologizing for hurting male egos. The excessive atonement for the discomfort or the actions of males is where the apology threatens gender equality, especially in the cases of sexual assault. Women who are victims are turned into lying offenders or promiscuous attention seekers in skimpy clothing. Apologizing reinforces the idea that you have done something wrong. Victimhood is turned into another open space for women to feel guilt for existing and expressing themselves.
There is only so much that is our control – why apologize for things that we don’t have real influence over? Sometimes saying sorry feels like a quick bandaid, but what if there’s no wound to begin with? A waste of resources, a waste of your guilt. I believe that small things are what make up life. The things we say have an influence and impact on how we interact with the world. “Sorry” stems from a place of fear of being offensive and being scared to hurt people’s feelings, but as women, we cannot live in fear of hurting people’s feelings all the time. The value of our emotions is equal to everyone else’s, and “I’m sorry” is an easy cop-out.
Instead of apologizing, I dare you to focus on what you are doing right. Making amends falsely guilts you into villainizing yourself. Of course, there are times when apologizing is appropriate, but, if you feel that you have caused an issue, simply thank someone for accommodating you instead. When women stop seeing themselves as offenders and see themselves in the right light, gender equality will further progress.
Excessive apologizing stems from the underlying guilt that I try to avoid looking at all costs. After a while, it feels as though, “well, can’t I do anything right” or that I am the inconvenience myself. The overuse of a word devalues it. How effective can “sorry” be when we deplete it of its meaning by overusing it. Save the “I’m sorry” for when you mean it.
Schumann, Karina, and Michael Ross. “Why Women Apologize More Than Men: Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behavior.” Psychological Science (0956-7976), vol. 21, no. 11, Nov. 2010, pp. 1649–1655. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1177/0956797610384150.