To the guy who wasn’t ready,
It started off great. It was an unknown but natural feeling, one that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. We were comfortable, I was excited, my friends loved you, we talked, and we joked. I learned about your family, and you learned about mine. I learned about your future and pet peeves. You asked about my future and I told you – but one thing you never asked about was my past, and that should have been the giveaway.
You see, any guy who is truly interested in a future with you, will be interested in the past where he was without you. Not in the stalker, hold-it-against you way, but more like in the “the past is what shapes you” and “this is the only way I can know why you are the way you are” way. You never did that.
You never got to hear about my failed relationships, my awkward encounters, my long year of ups and downs and unhappiness, and my inability to focus on anything else but the heartbreak that shaped me. You never heard about the trust issues and tough exterior, and the reasons that both of those came about.
However, you ALSO didn’t get to hear about the strength I gained, the Lord I saw, the weaknesses I acknowledged and continue to overcome, the friends and family who were there, and the ones who walked away when I became too much to handle.
You didn’t get to here how I got to this moment in my life – the greatest, most complete I’ve felt in years. You can see it, but you don’t understand it. That’s because my past has shaped me, and you don’t know about it because you never asked. That should have been my indicator. Instead, months went by where I sacrificed time with friends to be with you, all along with you knowing that the commitment, and the potential love, just wasn’t there for you.
But why? After all of the shared memories, why make them only to leave them just as memories and nothing more? Maybe if you would have asked about the past you would have been more careful and conscious. I can only hope that is the case.
I’m not saying you’re a bad guy, because I don’t think you are. You aren’t the first person who has done this, and you won’t be the last. I’ve done it too, to multiple guys in my life. Sometimes the timing isn’t right, I get that.
However, regardless of the reasons, it doesn’t make it at all easier. I don’t know if my last encounter with you will be my last encounter ever, since you are no longer around. What I can say is that it will haunt me and I think about it more than I should.
Maybe one day we will meet again and catch up on how much our lives have changed. Or maybe I’ll see you in passing one day, years from now, and I’ll remember all of the little details about your life that I listened to so intently back when our lives were carefree and simple. Until then, I’ll wish that you would have been ready, but I will accept that you were not.
Best wishes,
The one who was ready
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