A little less than 5 months ago, my boyfriend of three years decided that he wasn’t happy anymore and left me (through a text message…*massive eye roll*). It was completely random and unexpected because he had never once mentioned anything to me about being unhappy. I had put my dignity aside and literally begged him to stay with me and give me another chance to make him happy (first of all, ew), but he wasn’t having it. Looking back on that day, I don’t regret asking him to stay, but I can now genuinely say that I am happy he didn’t. In the grand scheme of life, it didn’t take too terribly long to reach this point, but to me this has been the longest five months of my life.
This was my first real love and my first real heartbreak, and nothing anyone had told me about life could’ve prepared me for the pain I felt. I’m one of those people who feels everything in the extremes, so to say I’ve been an emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. For countless nights I laid awake crying and praying to God that he’d change his mind, realize he missed me, and come back to me. I had imagined every possible scenario of what he would say, how I would respond, and if I’d actually take him back after he did this to me. If you had asked me if I would take him back about a month ago, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat. But recently, God has blessed me enough to feel real joy again, and I’m never looking back.
This is turning into one of those cheesy “things you learn from a heartbreak” articles, but honestly they can’t be written enough because everyone’s story is different. I truly believe having your heart broken one good time changes you as a person, usually for the better. As lame as it sounds, I can see such a huge difference in myself and I am nothing like I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. My dad has always told me the most important thing to remember about people is that they are fallible, even at their best. Everyone in your life will let you down at some point, and its up to you to be strong enough in who you are to be able to stand on your own when that happens. This was my first mistake when it came to my relationship. I let it consume me completely; everything I did in life revolved around him and making him happy. Don’t get me wrong, making your partner happy should be a huge priority, but I put his happiness above my own and I shouldn’t have. It may sound selfish, but now I make sure that every single thing I do is for myself and to make me happy, and I don’t worry about other people’s happiness as much now. That’s where my next mistake comes in; when I was with him, I let him be the main source of my happiness. He was my night and day and I worshipped the ground he walked on. I’ve learned that, A: God should always be the source of my happiness no matter what, and B: letting one person’s actions or presence dictate how you feel throughout the day is just plain stupid.
Another thing I realized after he left was that throughout the whole relationship he had become the human version of a life jacket for me. Every single problem or worry I had, every time I was anxious or scared or nervous, I immediately ran to him for reassurance and guidance. So after he left, there I was, sitting in my bedroom floor, an emotional wreck, not knowing how to properly handle all those feelings on my own. This was very confusing for me because I’m currently studying to be a psychologist, yet I couldn’t even take care of myself. I had become so reliant on him without even meaning to or realizing it, and I had to learn how to take care of my own feelings and be there for myself.
I remember the day I found out that this boy already had a new girlfriend. It had only been three months, which seems like a while, but after a three-year relationship it really wasn’t. At first, knowing that information killed me; when they say ignorance is bliss, they aren’t joking. I hated the idea of him being with someone else, especially so soon. It seemed so foreign and weird and I felt like all of the emotion and pain was coming back all over again, just when I was starting to feel happy again. I was angry and sad and worst of all, insanely jealous of this girl who I don’t even know. Surprisingly though, I woke up the very next day with joy in my heart. I won’t say that I’m happy for him, I am definitely not quite there yet. But I can honestly say that I’m not bothered by it anymore. I think this was God’s way of letting me know that he has my back and despite bad things happening in my life, I don’t always have to let it steal my joy. I think knowing he has moved on was the last little thing I needed to completely let him go. I hadn’t realized it, but I had been holding onto that hope that he would still come back, and I can finally move on from that now.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion that getting over him has been the single hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life so far. However, him leaving me was also the single best thing to happen for me. It has taught me to be more independent and not to rely on anyone but myself, to love myself because sometimes I’m the only one who will (besides mom of course), and to never forget that God is good, all the time. He will carry me through whatever storms I find myself in. Getting your heart broken is a traumatic experience for sure, but it has a way of bringing out the best in you and making you twice the woman you were before. And, the feeling of defiance after you’ve made it through and realized you’re better off without him, is absolute bliss.