I’ve always wondered why my friends come to me for relationship advice when I’ve never been in a relationship – yes, I just exposed myself. The one with absolutely no knowledge of love, is always the first contact my friends go to. Being single has allowed me to grow and mature as a person; I’ve learned more about myself, what I want and what I don’t want. I witnessed all my friends get into relationships, go on their first dates, spend their first Valentine’s day together, and even get those cute couples costumes. I was even there for the breakup calls.
Every time I feel ready to be in a relationship, it never works out. For a while, I told myself that it was their problem, maybe the guys I met weren’t ready for a relationship, maybe they think I’m intimidating. Then, reality hits, and I came to the realization that I was the problem – that was harsh, but it’s the truth. When things start to work out and a potential budding relationship is in reach, I push away. Not because I lost interest or because I’m trying to deliberately play with someone’s emotions, but because I’m scared. Scared to put my walls down, scared to be vulnerable and open up to someone and trust them with my emotions. Scared to lose them.
Emotions are a powerful thing, they can hit at the most unwanted times. I’m now listening to my feelings and they couldn’t be more frustrating and ill-timed. I have been trying to fight these feelings for someone that I didn’t realize meant so much to me. I feel like it’s been going back and forth for some time now, I try to push them aside or ignore it completely, but it always comes back stronger. Now, I’m afraid I’ve fought against these feelings for too long that it’s too late, to be honest, and that’s on me.
Oh and remember, it’s never really too late.
