It’s okay. That is the one and only thing you need to know through this process. It is the one and only thing I didn’t know when I was going through it, but now it is the motto that I live by. It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not know what you are going to do anymore. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to learn from those mistakes. It’s okay to find yourself. It’s okay to learn. It’s okay to transfer.
I visited American University during my spring break of my sophomore year of high school. I stepped foot onto the Quad and immediately fell in love. It was a warm, beautiful spring day. All the trees were in full bloom. There were kids playing Frisbee, kicking around a soccer ball, doing homework on the grass, and eating a picnic with friends. All I could think was “what gets better than this?” I loved how all the buildings surrounded the Quad, and that they were mainly the only buildings you needed to be in all day. I loved that the residence halls were right outside this little square, and that it only took a maximum of ten minutes to walk from your dorm room to the other side of campus. I was looking at all the students, and they all looked so happy. They were smiling and laughing and playing and it made me excited to find that for myself.
I was coming from a small public high school of 1,500 kids in a small town in New Jersey. My graduating class was about 360 students. To me, a class of about 1,500 students seemed like a lot. I was thinking of my entire school in one class size. I thought that was enough people for me, maybe even too many. A lot of students that graduate from my school end up moving on to community college, state school, or small local New Jersey colleges. I view American University as a very prestigious and honorable university. I would always think that if I got into this school, I would definitely go because it is beautiful, in a city, and a lot of really smart people go there. Part of me would never admit it, but I really wanted to go to a smart school to prove something to not only myself, but my family and schoolmates as well. This school became my number one choice for college, and I started talking about it nonstop.
In late March of 2012, I received an email from American University. I got in. I remember screaming and running down the stairs to my family in the kitchen. I yelled “I got into American!” and they all got up and hugged me and congratulated me. I felt accomplished for being able to even gain acceptance to a school like American. When I told people at my high school that I was going to American University, they would say “wow that is a really smart school”. My ego boosted and my excitement rose. I could not wait to start the rest of my life in Washington D.C.
After summer orientation, I was even more excited for college. I was at the university, I slept in a dorm room, and I got to meet my new classmates. I spent the summer building up very high expectations. I thought I was going to meet a lot of really cool people and make a lot of friends. I thought I would go out every weekend with my friends and have a great time. I thought I would really connect with the people that go here because they were all smart and had the same ambitions that I did.
Then I got here. I was very excited and nervous. I tried to make a good first impression on all my floormates. I tried so hard to hang out with as many people as I could so I could make friends faster and easier. I went out with my roommate. I went to Georgetown with girls on my floor. I got dinner with other girls on my floor. I reconnected with friends I had made at summer orientation. I was feeling great and my excitement was still through the roof. However, after the first month or so, all those groups of people I originally hung out with started hanging out with other people. I realized that we did not have as much in common as I would have liked. I expected to find people that I felt comfortable around, that felt the same way I did about issues and life experiences, and who talked and acted the way I did. I simply could not find that. I felt myself being more guarded, shy, and quiet around people. I never found that group of people I could open up to and feel comfortable with. I even felt awkward in many encounters I had with people. My outgoing, funny personality started turning into a shy, quiet one.
I started feeling like there was no one left to meet. I saw the same faces when I walked to and from class. I saw the same faces in my dorm and the same faces in my classes. November rolled around and I started feeling like it was too late, like everyone already found their group of friends and I missed it. I felt like it was too late to try and be friends with people because they already have people that they normally hang out with. My weekends of going out with friends and exploring D.C. turned into weekends of sitting in my dorm by myself watching a movie on my laptop while everyone else went out. I started feeling bad for myself, losing confidence, losing self-esteem, and wanting to make a change.
Second semester rolls along and I think that everything will be different. I can meet new people in my new classes and maybe make some new friends that way. However, the first week I came back took a turn for the worse with many things just not going my way at all. That is when I decided that I do not like it here. I am not having fun like everyone else, or going out like everyone else, or making friends like everyone else. I felt stuck in a sense. The next month after that proved to be very confusing for me. I thought about transferring nonstop. I thought of the pros and cons of leaving American over and over and over. I was getting stressed out and confused and frustrated. I eventually applied to transfer without really knowing if it was the right decision.
I thought that I made the wrong decision by coming here. I thought that I spent my whole life preparing myself for college, and I chose the wrong one. I thought I had to go here because everyone was so proud of me, and it is such a good school and I cannot pass up the opportunity to get an education here. I felt bad that I cannot make good decisions for myself or that I have terrible social skills and am really bad at making friends. I look around at everyone else and they all look genuinely happy. They get to do homework with their friends in their dorm, grab dinner together at TDR and go to a movie on the weekend. I never felt that. I always felt out of place, and never felt happy to be here. That’s when I knew what I had to do.
Next fall I will be attending Rutgers University in my home state of New Jersey. It was a long, hard struggle to get to this decision, but I did it and I’m proud of it. All the feelings and experiences that I had were normal. So many college freshman and sophomores go through this struggle. It is a rough transition from high school to college and you end up really learning a lot about yourself in the process. One thing I really learned from all of this is that I did not make the wrong decision by coming to American. I made the right decision.
American University is a beautiful, prestigious, unique institution. However, to be able to get the full AU experience, it has to be the right university for you. That holds true for any and all colleges in the country. You will only be happy at the place you are meant to be at. I have zero regrets about choosing American University to attend my freshman year. It taught me that I prefer large schools instead of small ones. It taught me that I like public schools more than private ones. I learned that I do not want to be so far away from my home and my family. I learned that I like living on a campus. I learned that I enjoy joining clubs. I learned that this school is just not the right fit for me. I learned that this is okay and a lot of people my age go through the same thing all the time. American University taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. And I am eternally grateful for that.
If you’re having trouble adjusting to college or you don’t feel like you are living your college experience to the fullest, don’t be afraid to explore more options. It’s not too late. Also, don’t be afraid to talk to an American University counselor about your confusion. Sometimes this really helps since they are probably the one person that is completely unbiased about the issue. It helps put things in perspective and figure out what you want. The most important thing in life is loving where you are and what you do. And you need to do everything you can to achieve that happiness because you deserve it.