This is for every DC student out there. And, just a warning, what you are about to read may scare you into never leaving your room again. They are everywhere, growing by the minute, covering every square foot of land down by the National Mall. They are working their way around every monument we hold dear, every path we love to tell ourselves that one day we will run around, and every spot that we love to spend the effort just to get down there to take an Instagram pic. What am I talking about? TOURISTS.
This time of the year, trust me, going downtown by the Cherry Blossoms on the weekend is borderline insanity. Or, said perhaps more accurately, makes you feel like everyone else has completely lost their minds. So, against popular belief, here are a few reasons to NOT go see the cherry blossoms this weekend.
1.The Heltro (or, the Metro from Hell)
So, usually the metro on the weekends is just annoying. Well, imagine airport security, times 100, and there’s only one TSA guy checking every bag. That, my friends, is what the metro is like heading down to the Cherry Blossoms. Packed like sardines the entire metro ride, and being herded like incompetent cattle towards the exit, honestly, it is my version of hell. Oh, and the strollers. EVERYWHERE. The back of my ankles will forever be scarred, thank you mother of 5.
2. Crosswalks
If you survive the metro and live to see the light of day, don’t get too excited. Because you will wish you hopped right back on that train and headed back to campus. Walking seems like it would be a simple function, since like I don’t know, we started doing it when we were 2. Apparently, some people are still learning. Attention all tourists… when there aren’t cars coming, you can walk. When the little man flashes at the street sign, you can walk. MOVE YOUR FEET. I get like it’s super exciting to stand and take in the sights, but let’s be real. You aren’t even at the main attraction yet. Please, walk. And if you can’t, move over to the side. OH and don’t stop in the middle of the walkway to tie your shoe. Girl in the bright orange shirt, I’m talking to you. Almost caused mass destruction.
3. Pictures
So, after you make it past the traffic cone that almost causes a domino effect (yeah, orange shirt girl) you FINALLY get to the main attraction. And then second-guess your entire life. The amount of people standing in the same spot for a large amount of time, then the people who want to get their picture in front of the trees that decide to take 500 shots while everyone else is waiting to move, or the little kids running in front of every picture you try to take. Just no. There’s no time to be artsy and take that sick picture that is totally Instagram worthy, it’s more of a “I was here, pretty flowers, let’s leave please before I hurt someone” moment.
4. Paddleboats
Finally, on your way out of this horrific scene, you see the paddleboat dock. So exciting right?! This could totally turn your day around, and get you away from all the masses. So, you walk down to the dock. Only to get scolded by mothers, telling you “UM EXCUSE ME, THE LINE STARTS BACK THERE”. And by back there, she means all the way to the cross walk. Back by the metro stop. Where you came from. You want to ask why would anyone ever wait 3 plus hours to put in manual labor to paddle a tiny boat (you’re not even a real boat) around a pond.
But instead, you laugh. Because guess what? YOU are a temporary DC resident. YOU can do this any other time you want, and might I recommend you go on a weekday, probably near the evening. Tourists come near and far to see this amazing city in all its Cherry Blossom glory, and you have the ability to say you call this place your temporary home. Pretty lucky, right? So make the most of it.
And please, don’t try to “cherry blossom” on the weekend.
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