I’m the type of girl who doesn’t like to wear her emotions on her sleeve. No matter how confused, anxious or upset I feel on the inside, I’m always trying to keep the image of someone who has it all together. And I mean, who doesn’t want to be that person who knows exactly what they want, and doesn’t have any baggage or problems holding them back? Admitting that you might not have everything figured out in your life, or that your real life doesn’t match up the perfect persona you’ve created on social media, displays your vulnerability and therefore takes courage.
This fear of appearing vulnerable is why for years, I’ve constantly put on an “act” for the world. In high school, I was that girl who always had to get perfect grades, always awoke early in the morning to do my hair and makeup just so, and always carried herself with a false-smile and the appearance of confidence. I was that girl who happily read the school announcements on our live “morning show”. Whenever people asked me what I wanted to do as a career, I would confidently say, “I will be pursuing my passion for film and television in college, with a probable minor in International or American studies, with the goal of eventually becoming a television news producer or anchor.
But as I’ve gotten to college, keeping up this persona of “having it all together” has become even harder. I’ve come to the point where I’m tired of acting like my life is perfect and that I’ve got it all figured out. Here I am admitting that honestly, I have no idea what I want. I have no idea if film and television is a career that I really want to pursue. I admit that I often feel have feelings of insecurity, whether it is about how I look or how smart I am. I might be smiling and look perfectly happy in my Instagram and Facebook photos, but in all honestly, most of the time I am just posing for the camera.
Social media makes it even easier for people to create fake portrayals of what their life is really like. What people don’t see is that when I pose for pictures with my friends, 90% of the time all I am thinking is “I can’t wait to post this online and show people how fabulous my life is and how happy I am.” Or that I sometimes I spend 20 minutes editing a picture of myself to make my skin clearer, my eyes larger, and my body thinner.
In high school, it was easy to shine in the classroom. But now that I am in college, I am constantly surrounded by other people who are just as smart and motivated as me, if not more so. This has caused me to often feel insecure about my own abilities, as I am constantly comparing myself with others. Even though I know this is a toxic road to go down, sometimes it’s very hard to feel adequate when there is always someone who knows more than more, someone who has been more places than me or who gets better grades than me. These feelings of inadequacy often prevent me from participating in class, because I am afraid of appearing unintelligent or even stupid.
Allowing yourself to show vulnerability is difficult. But what I’ve realized is that, If I never allow myself to show signs of weakness, then nobody will ever really get to know the real me. How is anybody supposed to know the real me, when I’m not even showing the real me? Also, constantly trying to give the appearance that I’ve got everything figured out and that I know everything doesn’t allow for personal growth. Making mistakes—whether in academics, work, or relationships—is a necessity for improvement and growth. If I never allow myself to admit that I am confused or unsure of how to do something, then I will never learn how to, and forever be stuck where I am.
Accepting the fact that there will always be somebody smarter, prettier or more successful is very challenging for me. I’ve put on this persona of having it all together for so long that the idea of showing vulnerability is scary. But I’ve come to learn that pretending to have a perfect life just isn’t worth it. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the world thinks you are always happy and have it all figured out if in reality you feel lonely and confused.
So here is the start of my journey to be more honest with myself and others. To show the world that no, I don’t have all the answers, and that that’s okay. Because honestly, I am just so sick of constantly acting like I have it all together.
Here’s a picture of myself from eight grade, just for laughs. Braces and all.