Like a lot of other women this Valentine’s Day, I went out with a group of my gal pals in excited anticipation to see the movie 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve never read the books but a lot of my friends have and are pretty into it. So despite the fact that I would never have seen myself at the front of the line to get into the movie, there I was this past Valentine’s Day.
Now that I’ve had some time to mull over whatever it is I just saw, I am here to announce that I have a lot of thoughts on this movie.
*Spoiler Alert*
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This is literally Twilight. I mean, I know this started out as fan-fiction, but really?
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No college student has an apartment that nice.
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K, this dude is hot. I have high hopes for him.
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Oh sure, you’re just going to let your friend just fill in for you to interview a mega-millionaire businessman for your college newspaper. If I had a chance to interview a super hot mega-millionaire businessman, I would show up, flu or not. Also has no one heard of rescheduling?
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If a woman as demure and bland as Ana can catch the attention of this super hot dude, there is hope for the rest of us.
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Also really? “Just Ana.” Am I the only one who went through a Twilight phase and sees all the parallels??
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I mean come on, she works at a hardware store. Isn’t that straight out of the book?
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Well this relationship is developing very quickly.
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The friend’s name is JOSÉ? JACOB? TOKEN POC CHARACTER?
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Also Christian asks Ana if she likes Jane Austen. C’mon people.
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Really, you’re just going to walk out on Ana because she’s an English Lit major? Is there no justice for English Lit majors in this world?
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Seriously the parallels to Twilight are really bugging me. Like E.L. James was copying Twilight. Twilight. Not really a whole bunch of source material to go from.
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Drunk Ana is the only part of this movie that I like.
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How did Christian just know which bar she’s at?
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Also why is José being a weirdo?
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Oh right, that happens in Twilight.
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If some dude just showed up at the bar I was at, took me home, undressed me, and then slept next to me (all while I was highly intoxicated), I would not be cool with that.
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Like serious stalker/rapist connotations going on here that young women/women and men of any age should not swoon at. And this is repeated several times over!
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Also literally all this dude does is jog. When all I do is jog I still have flappy arms, not a hot and sculpted bod like Christian’s.
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This dialogue is literally painful to listen to.
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I’ve probably snorted very loudly at least 10 times so far.
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Sad thing is literally this whole theatre is giggling uncomfortably.
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Also there is a high number of middle to older aged men in this theatre. Solidarity, my friends.
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I don’t know why I keep assuming that Christian’s brother Elliot is just some random guy Christian hired to pose as his brother?
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I really keep thinking that’s going to be some plot twist.
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Oh wow, Ana’s mom can’t come to her graduation any more because her step dad broke a bone. Real familiar.
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Why is Ana not more upset about that?
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I would be livid if my mom all of a sudden couldn’t show up to my college graduation because her weird fourth (?) husband can’t take care of himself.
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So if Ana’s dad is such an important part of her life, why do we only see him for like two seconds?
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I think we’re all in agreement here when we say that Billy Burke was the best part of Twilight franchise.
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Don’t commencement speakers usually wear the robes with the silly hats?
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I really would have liked to have seen Christian Grey wearing one of those silly hats.
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Why does her family not question the fact that her daughter is dating the super hot mega-billionaire businessman that just gave the commencement address at her college graduation?
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I think the real heresy in this movie is that Christian or Ana didn’t touch that sushi during the negotiation scene.
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I mean what sane person passes up good sushi?? This really bugged me.
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If someone showed me their “Playroom” I would not be as calm and collected as Ana would be.
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In fact, I would book it out of there right away.
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Why does Christian have to have an abusive background to be into BDSM?
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I just assumed whatever those were on his chest were zits.
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Oh wow, things are getting weird now.
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None of this is sexy.
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I think it’s pretty clear this is not proper BDSM but some strange warped and abusive version of it.
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This is really making me uncomfortable. This goes beyond kink into something else that makes me feel like I’m witnessing domestic violence.
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And why is it that every time Christian is in the “Playroom” he wears ill-fitting, ripped, 90’s-esque jeans?
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He really is losing control, I guess.
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The scene with the slow-motion whipping and the Gregorian Chant in the background was just straight-up comical.
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Okay, if she’s crying doesn’t that mean you should stop???
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Well good for you, Ana, you leave that boy.
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It doesn’t matter that he looks mighty fine in a suit, no one should treat you like that.
- There’s going to be more films?? Oy vey. Let’s hope Christian gets a therapist.