I miss you.
I listen to the songs we used to sing together and I miss you. I play the games we used to play together and I miss you. I remember our conversations and I miss you. I shut my lights at night and think about our midnight conversations. I never knew not sleeping could be so restorative. You shaped a piece of my reality. In a way, I constructed a reality around you and I wonder if I’ll ever feel the same way about another person again.
You didn’t have a plan and neither did I. I knew I was playing a gamble with my heart by saying yes to you, to your crazy, happy-go-lucky smile. I’m just sad that it did not work out. I wanted and needed more. You could not give it to me and that’s ok.
What gets to me is that you probably don’t give me a second thought. You’re probably smiling happily as you’ve always been. What was the plan there? What was the point? Why did I have to taste that kind of heaven?
Logically, however, I know that you were not heaven. You never really got me plus you didn’t respect me at all. Me? Well, I didn’t care and maybe that’s the point. As I start this path of healing after my heart was broken into a million pieces, I’m starting to see that maybe there was always a plan.
Walking away from you made me realized that you are the poison of lack of self-love, self-confidence, and self-respect. Now that’s a hard pill to swallow. Poison.
You revealed the need for deep healing. You showed me where I was empty. Where I was trying to fill from the outside. You showed me that I have needs that were not being met. You showed me I had little self-respect. You showed me how much growing I still have to do. And you showed me how lovely I deserve to be treated, mainly because you did not treat me beautifully at all.
You showed me that I deserve so much better. You showed me that fun is great but that it is not enough. You showed me that words don’t mean anything, only actions do. You taught me to stand up for myself. You taught me to say enough; enough to not being treated as I deserve to.
You reminded me of the power I hold to take care of myself. You reminded me that the cure for lack of self-love, self-confidence, and self-respect is and has always been within me.
So here I go: thank you. You shed light on the fact I should be feeling completely whole because I have me. Because I love myself. Because this inner life is everything and more. The love I have for myself tells me I deserve so much better and from now on, I will treat myself so beautifully, I will teach the world how lovely I deserve to be treated.
So, thank you.