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The Talking Phase

Since February has come to a close, I’ve decided to talk about the unspoken relationship described in our culture as the “talking phase”. What exactly is the talking phase? To me, it is the period when you and your partner are not really together, but you both are not really single either. You and your partner are getting to know each other, chilling, dating, and maybe engaging in sexual activity, but at the end of it all, you two are not in an established relationship, therefore, there are no titles.

What’s the point?

Some feel that the word “boyfriend/girlfriend” getting added to the mix ends up complicating things. Others just simply don’t want to rush things. When two people are talking, they’re building a bond. The talking phase is the building block of the relationship. Everything is damn near perfect in this phase, which explains why some people choose to stay in the talking phase. They don’t want this feeling to end. This feeling of extreme happiness, where you always have someone to talk to, you always look forward to hearing from or seeing them, and you even would rather stay up all night talking to them than sleeping. It feels just like the movies, within the first three months. The first three months are the most crucial points of the talking phase. Within these first three months, you determine whether or not you’re really feeling this person or if this is really who you can see yourself with later down the line.

Following the first three months are the months known as the “honeymoon phase”. The honeymoon phase is the point where it feels like you two can literally conquer the world together. You are so happy. The relationship is established, freshly out of the talking phase. You feel euphoric as if you two are going to be together for the rest of your lives. It’s a great feeling, I can tell you that. But the honeymoon phase dies out. Arguments come in. Problems come in. Attitudes. Less conversation. What does this mean? The vibe has switched. Has your partner become used to you? Used to you, in terms that they don’t feel as though they have to do what they used to do to get you now that they’ve got you.

Answer this:

Why does our culture put so much pressure on relationships? What a “real” couple should be and do? What is a “real” relationship?

Our culture puts so much pressure on relationships because they love to feed off of other people’s ideas, in my opinion. What I mean is that people see “relationships” in media or on social sites and think “must be nice”. People go into talking phases with the hopes of being in a relationship sooner or later. But lately, it seems as though a lot of pressure is put on a relationship coming out sooner rather than later. Then…when you barely know your partner, the relationship fails. I feel as though you need to talk and get to know one another for a least a few more months before this instead of jumping right on into a relationship.

Social media is the number one component in making people think that what they see constitutes as being a real relationship. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Just because we see a few cute selfies and dinner date pictures does not mean that this is real love. For all we know, one partner could fully be cheating on the other. Or, one partner could have never wanted to be in the relationship, to begin with. There could be a lot of break up to make up situations, but we would never know through the Instagram relationship filter.

A real relationship can be defined as multiple things. It’s the point where you feel as if you can be completely yourself with your partner. They accept you for you, your quirks, and everything that comes with you. You don’t have to second guess the nature of your relationship. Trust is there. Faithfulness is there. Communication is there. The relationship is real when it’s equal on both ends. Both of you are giving your all to the other. One person doesn’t feel as though they’re doing the most of pulling the weight of the relationship.


I asked four females and four males from “The Fam” their thoughts on the talking phase. What I’ve decided to do here is separate the thoughts.

According to the girls:

The talking phase is the phase where you both are “testing the waters” to see if you both could move onto the next phase, being in a relationship. Within this, there is no commitment however, there are boundaries.

According to the guys:

The talking phase is “when we start kissing”. Kissing isn’t something that people should take lightly as it’s a more personal form of interaction. You don’t just kiss everyone. Talking also means getting to know each other more than just the basic things that friends know… learning about the person’s past and family… “just vibing”.

A few commonalities arose amongst the two groups. One was that they both felt as though there are levels to the talking phase. The getting to know you phase is level one, the spending time and going out phase is level two, and the intimacy or sexual encounter is level three. Another commonality was that there needs to be an understanding that there is no title in this phase. Another commonality was that sex can definitely be involved and make or break the phase. It can determine whether or not they want to continue dealing with the person if the experience is “trash”. One final commonality was that there is no rush. Don’t force anything.



Ayanna currently attends the University at Albany, SUNY. She has a major in English and a double minor in Sociology and Africana studies. She's a firm believer in positivity, self-love and working towards her dreams. She's all about positive vibes and positive energy. You can follow her on Twitter & Instagram @ayannaSZN. 
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