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When I was nine, my father wrote me a letterWith the last words he would ever say to meHe wrote about love and sacrificeAnd said he hadn't always been a good manHe didn't go into detail because he thought he'd have more time to explainHe wrote about my mother and asked me to be goodHe wrote about my brothers and asked me to take care of themThey were so young thenThe last thing he asked me to do was find GodHe didn't say how and he didn't say in what wayBecause he wanted me to do it on my ownBe my own enlightened beingI was always independent, and he knew thatNow that it's been 12 years, I can't help but think I've disappointed himI left my mother 300 miles away, and those 300 miles so easily turned into across the countryI left my brothers unguidedWas I selfish to pursue independence away from them?I haven't found God yet eitherNot that I don't believeI just don't know where to lookSometimes I remember my mom used to tell me God is everywhere and in everythingBut when I look around me, I see so much pain and confusionSometimes I wish I could just have one last conversation with my fatherTo ask him to explain that letter to me now that I'm olderBecause I still don't have answersAnd I don't ever expect to find themBut I need some sense of directionSome sense of purposeI feel like I lived 21 lives
Each year I was a new personAnd all those lives led me to the here and nowYet sometimes, I still can't answer the question of who I amI like to think back on what life used to be likeWhen I knew so much lessThey weren't wrong to say ignorance is blissThere are fewer things to overthinkI think about the past, so I don't have to ask myselfWould my father be proud of who I am today?I'll just drown out the voices and listen to Normal Girl all day"Wish I was the type of girl that you take over to mamaThe type of girl, I know my daddy, he'd be proud ofYeah, be proud ofBe proud of, be proud, you know, you know"God, I hope he's proud
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