I hate the way you’re not around
And the fact that you didn’t call
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
If you haven’t seen the cinematic masterpiece that is 10 Things I Hate About You; I highly suggest putting off whatever responsibilities you have, snag some spiked egg nog and watch it. From Heath Ledger’s grin (rest in peace, honey), the unrequited love plot line and an endearing, young Joseph Gordon-Levitt – the movie is rom-com gold. One of the most tear inducing scenes is the riddle Julia Stiles writes and then recites in front of the class about the boy who broke her heart. If you’re too lazy to make it through the entire movie you can just cheat and watch the clip here.
So now that you’ve familiarized yourself with the infamous poem, my own parody of the poem will make more sense. Since my love life has reached a particularly depressing level of dormant and I have a terrible phobia of public speaking, my own 10 Things I Hate About You poem isn’t about a boy who didn’t call. It will not be read out loud in front of my peers, but stay confined safely to the privacy of the World Wide Web. I decided to write both a love letter and a declaration of frustration directed towards college. So here is an ode to the place that has left its mark on my heart, liver and parents’ bank account:
I Hate The Way You Can’t Escape Anyone:
For a campus that borders on overpopulation, UA has a really uncanny ability to be small enough so that you run into the handful of people you wish you wouldn’t. I don’t know if the universe has a cruel sense of humor or the nearly 40,000 student body count just isn’t enough space between the boy who broke my heart and I. Or the seemingly sprawling quad is actually an intimate watering hole for the innocent sorority sisters who made it their goal to get you to standards sophomore year. And of course after you crossed your t’s and dotted your i’s in the polite email to your professor about the ‘cold’ that was really happy hour obligations, you run into Dr. Attendance Policy Sucks at Buffalo Phil’s an hour after his class was dismissed and two hours into your third pitcher.
And The Way There’s Never Any Parking Spots
After the painful and absurd amount of money I pay for a parking pass, I expect to be able to find a parking spot. The audacity of paying a three figure sum to park in a parking lot at the school I already pay money to attend is not lost on me. I mean I’ve paid for a lot of scams in my day during college (ie. Greek life), but the parking pass price really takes the cake. So what gets me seething is when I’m late to class because I had to circle the parking lot three times before I could finally squeeze into that $365 parking spot.
I Hate The Way Professors Never Put In Grades
Look, I get it. Some professors have five other lectures. Some professors are working on whatever degree gets them a higher pay grade. Some professors don’t believe in TAs and some professors are balancing teaching and some other day job. However, some professors just don’t put grades in until a week before finals because of sheer absentmindness. It’s rude, lazy and annoying to not know where your grade stands in a class until it’s too late in the semester for a hail mary.
I Hate It When It Makes Me Feel Distraught
It’s no secret anxiety is at an all time high for college students. There have been more than enough studies to prove that college students are stressed the hell out. A typical Tuesday in college can start off with your entire to-do list checked off but by four p.m. you have two group projects, a six page paper and an exhaustive list of errands that need to be done ASAP. After almost four years of this cycle, I’ve earned permanent under eye circles, permanent coffee stains on my favorite pajamas pants and a permanent case of anxiety.
I Hate The Way This Place Can Cause You to Lose Friends
Over the course of college, people will weave in and out of your life more than you could imagine. Sometimes they only stay briefly, long enough for you to realize that some people are only temporary fixtures that leave behind permanent memories in their aftermath. You’ll meet people who will come in the form of a star crossed lover or a frenemy but will be disguised as a relationship you expect to outlast the four year expiration date on college. In college we’re told to ‘find ourselves’ and as we shape shift into the person we’re destined to be, we find that who or what we thought we wanted, was wrong for us. So while the rumor is that college friendships are life long (which I attest is true for some friendships), some college relationships painfully dissolve to teach you a life long lesson.
And The Fact I’m Always Broke From textbooks to three rounds of $7 tequila shots – this academic institution with its strategic placement of nearby bars has me consistently wincing when I check my bank account. College makes you really appreciate the days of your mom buying the groceries.
But Mostly I Hate That My Time Here Is Coming to an End
As much as I love to complain about some of the minor annoyances, I love my campus more. With graduation looming in the distance, I suddenly feel myself softening towards all the things I formerly hated about college. Except my nostalgia doesn’t extend to the professors with a gnarly combination of constant armpit stains and a god complex. I will not miss them.
…I’m not ready for goodbye. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all
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