Coming back to school this year, I fell into the trapped mindset that everything would somehow be the same. Last year I was meeting new people almost every week; everything felt fresh & new & exciting. I’m not sure if it’s the socially-distanced atmosphere or the notorious sophomore slump, but I felt the pull to branch out of what I call the COVID-19 hole.
Naturally, my first instinct was to sign up for a blind Zoom date. Through the website OkZoomer, a website designed to target quarantine college kids looking for a connection, I matched with a couple of people the algorithm thought I would click with. A guy I matched with (let’s call him Jake) messaged me about going on a date. Jake had all the right qualities: artistic, intelligent, incredibly charismatic. He was the kind of guy who could talk to anyone and had a million crazy stories about the people he had met. We talked seamlessly for almost two hours, and to be quite candid, it was nothing short of a great date. The problem was, I felt nothing. At the end of the date, toward the portion that people usually exchange numbers or make plans to see each other again, I knew that it was probably not going to work out.
Although you may not think this at first, the lack of connection was not between me and him, it was between me and myself.
I think we’re all looking for something, anything right now to cling to, so that we feel as close to normal as possible. Almost everyone I know came out of quarantine attached to someone or looking to make that attachment. I went into this blind date looking for something, whether it be a good story, a genuine connection, or simply a lesson learned. What I did gain from this experience is the knowledge that sometimes it is more beneficial to be alone. Not just physically alone, but alone in your own brain. More often than not, I find myself putting off dealing with my inner monologue by filling my time with people—friends, family, and significant others.
This time of isolation has brought a real and difficult revelation: I need to be better at being alone.
The connotation of being alone is often negative & associated with feelings like loneliness, sadness or emptiness. Being alone used to terrify me simply because of what I thought people would think or say. However, this experience gave me an opportunity to prioritize spending time with myself and gave me room to realize that sometimes I can be my own best company.