Fake it till you make it. A mantra that applied when your third grade teacher wasted her time and yours trying to teach you how to write in cursive. This saying still applies to laughing at your not-at-all-funny-but-hard-grader professor’s jokes. It is a motto that certainly applies when the lady doing your Brazilian wax asks if it hurts and the polite thing to do is pretend. No ma’am, ripping hair with hot wax off your very fragile body parts isn’t painful. And it especially applies when you make the mistake of bumping into that boy that never asked if it hurt when he broke your heart and the only polite thing to do is pretend that being in such close proximity to him isn’t painful.
Fake it till you make it.
Maybe he just walked past you like you didn’t share a bed for months. Maybe he walked past you with the new girl that doesn’t mind sharing the last fry like you did. Or maybe he’s looking at you and you’re trying not to think about all the secrets you shared with him. Or maybe you heard that same familiar laugh and you think about all the times you made him laugh like that. You wonder if he flinches when he thinks about all the inside jokes you two shared.
But you look up and realize he’s probably forgotten all of it. And it’s not fair is it? Rejection, heartbreak and boys with better hair – they all three usually go hand in hand and they all three suck. It especially sucks when it is painfully apparent that he doesn’t seem to care at all. You realize he’s not coming back while you’re simultaneously trying desperately to stop looking back. It’s not fair that he seems fine. It’s not fair he’s bopping around to a Chainsmokers song with a girl with bad roots, while you try not to cry with a vodka soda that’s not nearly strong enough. It’s not fair that it’s so obvious you still care and he doesn’t at all.
That’s where I come in to help.
You’ve got to fake it till you make it. Just like you faked all of those orgas- well we don’t need to make this personal, you get what I’m saying. You’ve got to pretend like you don’t care even when your stomach continually drops and your friends are stare with pity. The art of winning a break up isn’t the revenge body. The art of winning a break up isn’t even the adrenaline rush of changing your Netflix password knowing he hasn’t finished that season of Narcos. It’s appearing unbothered. It’s mirroring his nonchalant attitude that drives you insane.
The first step to this is stepping away from alcohol when you feel like you’re veering towards slurred words and sloppy hiccups. Unless you are a rare breed of a heartbroken girl, it’s extremely difficult to hide your vodka fused feelings. The more recent the break up, the lengthier the drunk texts you’ll be shooting him from across the room will be. The nastier the break up, the more misspelled texts you’ll shoot him from the across the room. So when you see your former fling walk in and the eye contact with him is particularly brutal – maybe lighten up on the drinks. It’s hard to fake it when you can barely walk to the bar for your fifth round.
The second step to faking it is to really focus and concentrate on something else. More specifically, someone else. And that doesn’t necessarily mean making him jealous. While that tried and true method does make him look in your direction, that doesn’t always mean its gonna make him care any more than he did before you hit on that okay looking guy. In fact, if you really get theatrical flirting with another hottie, it can only highlight how much you do still care. What I’m saying is you should train your eyes, mind, body and freaking soul on paying attention to something else. Take off your beer goggles, pretend you’re under an adderall induced spell and really listen to your friend Cassie talk about how much she hates her sorority sisters. Engage with everyone at your table until you hit the conversation jackpot and get into a chat that distracts you. If you’re knee deep in a debate about Kardashian conspiracy theories, it keeps you from stealing looks at him wearing that jersey you bought for y’all’s anniversary. It gives the illusion you’re a social butterfly, that him being with that girl doesn’t bug you.
Now the last step is challenging and maybe not for everyone. It is a power move that if executed properly is exactly what you need to fool the boy that played you like a fool. It’s simple. When you walk by him or when you bump into him, talk to him. Talk to him like he is just another boy in a backwards hat with an alarming amount of beer stains on his t-shirt. Talk to him briefly, but cordially. Like a group of animated penguins in the cinematic masterpiece, Madagascar, once said: “Just smile and wave, boys”. Smile and wave. Talking to him in a normal, civil and borderline friendly manner will make him think you really don’t care anymore. It will also give him a chance to see your new revenge body and it’ll give you a chance to innocently ask if he’s seen that new episode of Narcos lately.
And after a long night of pretending – stage left, bow for your awed friends and hope there won’t be an encore anytime soon because acting is exhausting.
You know, the best part about this motto is that eventually after enough faking it, you’ll be driving home and pass that familiar car and you realize you didn’t search for his face behind the wheel. You’ll realize that sad Khalid song is on and you haven’t teared up once. And you’ll realize you’ve officially made it.