An Open Letter to My Freshman Self

I have been thinking about you a lot. 

Wondering where you went. 

I think about if I were to run into you at a party.

Maybe, I see you standing there, the glow of the flickering lights on your face as you lounge in a chair, one eye on your phone, another on the guy in the corner.

(he’s not worth it, i promise)

Or, I brush past you on the way to the kitchen, you’re dancing with your friends.

(they suck, dump them)

I don’t think you’d recognize me.

I chopped my hair.

(just like the girls in the movies we watched in high school)

I have a boyfriend. 

(no more running around with boys that let us walk home at 4am alone)

I have friends.

(people who hold me while i cry and drive fast to make me laugh)

I sleep.

(yeah you need to do that)

I don’t think I’d like you.

All those blonde curls and snarky laughter, batting eyelashes at a guy you’re too young for, holding a red solo cup you’re too young for, stumbling around a house party of people you barely know in tight skirts and high heels, and flashing a smile at every guy (or girl) who walks by who looks like they could be home or at least a room for the night.

I don’t think we’d be friends.

I’d sigh and roll my eyes and snicker with my friends about all those “stupid freshman” and “who do they think they are.”

(irony has never been our strong suit)

But

I’d hold your hair as you puke into the toilet, and I’d dry your eyes as mascara rains down your face.

(pretty girl, he won’t matter in a month)

(darling, he’ll never talk to you again, and thank god)

(they’ll still love you when the sun comes up, i promise)

And

I’ll watch you stagger home, looking over you all the way back.

Tomorrow is going to be so much better.

Most of all I would thank you:

For not being afraid to fall

(the broken pieces made me sharper)

For all the mistakes you made

(they made me who i am)

For all the leaps of faith

(they gave me the life we dreamed of)

For looking out for me

(i have never been happier)

• advice
• freshman year
• identity
• self-love