Serving is a hard job. Especially in our new pandemic ridden world where you are understaffed, overworked, and tired of hearing “There are tables open, why can’t we sit down?!” Servers deal with a lot of, for lack of better words, crap. Now I realize I may seem a bit cranky with this article, but that’s because I am cranky. I work up to 10 hours some days with no break and by the end of the night I am completely drained mentally and physically. Which brings me to the topic of this article; corny jokes I hear over and over. The first time it’s funny, not “ha-ha funny” (even though I laugh every time; I mean come on, I work for tips) but we are getting into the triple digits with the amount of times I have heard these jokes. I know they have the purest intentions behind these jokes and I am just irritable, that’s totally fine. Just know if you say any of these jokes to your server they are internally rolling their eyes at you.
1.) Winning Lottery Ticket/A Million Bucks
This is the answer to the question “Can I get you anything else?” Now we all know I mean a bag, or an extra takeout box or ideally nothing and you leave the restaurant. My response is always the same, “If I had those I wouldn’t be working here.” I say this as if I found the joke funny and am returning one of my own but what I am really doing is reminding the customer that I am, in fact, poor. I am a college student who has neither a winning lottery ticket, nor a million bucks. So 20% would be greatly appreciated.
2.) “We didn’t order that.”
The famous line when I bring the check. Good one, dad! Now hand me the plastic and let’s move on.
3.) “So is it free?”
Sometimes you forget to bring the check and say “Have a nice day” a little too early. It’s hard to always remember which table is at what stage of their dining process, but don’t be mistaken; we will never skip that essential step of you giving me your money.
4.) “I don’t need sugar, I am sweet enough!”
That’s nice but to be very honest, I think sugar would help cover up the fact that the coffee is from the morning… so maybe you should throw a packet in anyways.
5.) “It was terrible.”
You’ll hear this knee-slapper as you come back to empty plates. This one burns because it is sarcasm, my favorite form of humor, being weaponized against me.
6.) “You wanna keep them?”
Your children have tore a hole in the chair, crushed up crayons and tried to snort them like they are cocaine, screamed through dinner, and I am pretty sure one is bleeding. I don’t even think a zoo would want to keep them; pack it up mother goose.
7.) “Please don’t spit in my food but….”
This is always followed by an extremely reasonable request, like salt or extra sauce. Also, I am sure it does happen but I have never myself nor known anyone to tamper with someone’s food for any reason. There are some things you just simply do not do.
8.) “Printed this one today.”
While I do respect a good crime joke, I actually check all of my big bills and will be holding yours up to the light for a couple extra seconds… just in case.
9.) Finally, Any Sexual/Flirtatious Joke
The most romantic thing you can do for me now is tip 20% or more and then leave before I have the servers all come casually walk by your table because they want to see the weirdo that just hit on me.