Need Dr. Drew relationship advice but don’t have the sensationalistic drama to warrant TV time? Unfortunately, Real Live College Guy Ryan isn’t a reality show therapist. However, he can provide the lowdown on everything you’ve ever wanted to know about college males: how they think, act, speak and genuinely interact with the women in their lives.
My boyfriend and I definitely won’t be in the same city for the summer. I want to talk about doing long distance, but I know he has had a bad experience with long distance in the past (his ex cheated on him when they were in different states). How do I talk about the issue of us being apart without him immediately shutting it down or freaking out? – Ready for Long Distance at Rollins
Tread carefully and lightly—period.
That sounds completely dramatic—it is—but you want this relationship to last in a situation that you think is reasonable but he hates. You can’t change his mind on how he views “long-distance relationships”; however, you can spin it to make your long-distance romance sound appealing and reasonable—without using the term “long-distance.”
Now, I don’t know the specific cities you and your boyfriend will be in. This could make a huge difference. If you’re in New York and he’s in, say, Boston, there shouldn’t be a freak-out on his part. You’re an Amtrak or bus ride away from seeing each other.
However, if you’re in New York and he’s in Los Angeles, that’s when the idea of “long-distance” will cause him to pump the breaks. Don’t bring up the relationship conversation suddenly or awkwardly. Flow into the discussion. Ask about what he’ll be doing in his city and disguise the conversation.
Slide in mentions that you’d like to frequently Skype, hear from him often and maybe even visit—all things that keep long-distance relationships functioning. There’s a chance that he could decode your hints, but it’s worth the risk if he’s that anti-long-distance relationship.
The length of time you two are apart could also play a large part in what comes of your relationship. If it’s only for the summer, relax. Again, depending on how far you two are apart, it might not make a difference. Just remember that a potential reunion is right around the corner.
If it’s longer—say, a semester- or year-long separation—that’s when you need to consider if all of the aforementioned relationship spin is worth it. Going that long while trying to keep anything fresh is difficult. You two might be better off going your separate ways (as unfortunate as that idea sounds).
However, if you feel that distance and time are working in your favor, don’t show your hand. Just make constant interaction and potential visits seem worthwhile and not like relationship requirements. It’ll also show that cheating isn’t in your plans, which always helps. Propose your relationship this way and it’s hard to imagine him shutting it down.