Ever notice how the men we lust after the most are usually those who are the least available? Guys in relationships, guys who live on the other side of the country, that adorable resident advisor down the hall, your sweet, brilliant, and nerdy-hot history TA… Well, two of these categories of unavailability are not like the others. Sure he’s single, close to your age, and oh-so-adorable, but many schools have serious RA relationship restrictions that, no matter how big of a crush you have on the guy, may not be worth testing. And while I know that many of you ladies may be frustrated by the lack of professional, career-oriented men around campus, the same guidelines apply for teaching assistants.
College has enough awkward moments already, which is why I think you should be armed with the temptation-resisting skills to avoid the sticky situations of these off-limits relations… or at least know what you’re getting yourself into.
RA Should Stand For Relationship to Avoid
The policies at each university vary, but I got the 411 on the way it works at Syracuse. At their simplest, the rules state that an RA cannot date a student on his or her floor OR in the same building. The only way to get around this is by going to the resident director, the person above the RAs, and arguing your case.
Danielle Sutton, president of Syracuse University’s residence hall association, did just that. She had been dating a student in her hall for five years prior to becoming an RA and quickly learned the benefit of being open with her boss. Since it was clear that their relationship was more than a half-semester fling, the risk seemed much smaller.
Generally, though, the school is super-strict about this. Each RA is required to keep a journal of each interaction with residents living on his or her floor, essentially taking a huge chunk of privacy out of their living experience.
“It’s definitely not worth the risk,” says Sutton. At Syracuse, an RA is automatically granted a $12,000 scholarship, which is forfeited if he or she loses the position. “Usually if you have a crush on somebody, it won’t even last the semester,” she says. “You should only put yourselves in that situation if you see lasting power.”
As a freshman at Roanoke College, Susanna Bonig dated the RA for her entire residence hall. Unlike Sutton, Bonig says that her relationship, which lasted almost a full year, was totally worth the occasional challenges. While her school has no written policy on these relationships, the students are well-informed that an RA should not date another RA or a resident, creating a situation where an entire building of people was technically off-limits.
For those of you who are attracted to people who have power over an entire floor of students, Bonig provided a heads-up on what you should expect. “We couldn’t go out whenever we wanted because he had RA meetings or was on duty,” she says. “I didn’t tell him about any drinking that I did with my roommate in my dorm room because I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position.” Having the other residents find out (which they did) wasn’t on the list of top concerns for the couple. Bonig suggests looking into the specific policy at your school before pursuing anything. Regardless of your decision, it’s best to be discrete for everyone’s sake.
The reality is, it’s virtually impossible to control who you’re attracted to. So, with the confidence that you’ll make the right decision, here are some final cautionary tidbits to keep in mind:
- RAs can have a huge impact on your living experience, whether they’re writing you up for health and safety violations or advocating for your crappy living situation. If things go sour between you and your super-lenient RA, do you really want to test his reputation for letting things slide?
- It’s college. People talk. Reputations get ruined in seconds, and jealousy can run rampant in the residence halls. What sounds better? A fling with the RA down the hall or the respect of your floor-mates and a well-preserved rep?
- If there’s really a connection between the two of you, put that theory to the test and wait until next year when you no longer live on the same floor. Even the most functional relationships can benefit from a little distance now and then. That said, I’d advise against dating anyone on your floor. My sophomore year roommate tried dorm-cest once, and the guy turned out to be a bit of a psycho — let’s just say we left our floor for a reason.
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Keeping it civil in the classroom
This category of off-limits love is even riskier. Repeat after me: “I am in college to get good grades first and to seek out cute boys second. I will not try to combine those two goals by dating my TA.” Sad, I know. But think of it this way: he’ll motivate you to get out of bed and drag yourself to class, and it won’t be creepy when you spend an hour staring at him. He’ll probably just think you’re paying really close attention. And who doesn’t need those extra participation points?
Some schools, like UCLA, have no official rules on TA-student relationships, but the university’s student handbook does touch upon the serious sexual harassment issues that could go along with such a relationship. Your TA may have ultimate control of your grade, but you have control of his future. If even one student finds out that you have more than a teacher-student relationship, things can quickly get out of hand. Usually.
Jon (name has been changed), a senior at a Boston area college, started dating his current girlfriend when he was her Statistics TA. While sneaking around for the first few months of their relationship was difficult, they just celebrated their 10 month anniversary and are going strong.
This may be an odds-defying, rule-breaking love story, but it comes with some essential advice. If you do venture into forbidden territory, be aware of what you could be getting yourself into. Take a step back and weigh the consequences and benefits. Ask yourself how committed you are to keeping your dating a secret. Another question you might consider asking yourself is how committed you are to your GPA. What if the two of you had an ugly breakup and his idea of revenge came in the form of an F on your final exam?
For virtually all university workers, avoiding the appearance of favoritism is a top priority. If you took a course with your boyfriend, would the rest of the class be able to tell that you two were dating? Subtlety to you may be suspicion to everyone else.
Perhaps Duke University’s policy on these relationships best illustrates the long-term risks of getting involved with a TA. It states that, “the damage can continue long beyond the actual time span of the relationship and can make people suspicious of any future professional interactions between the parties.”
While it wouldn’t be fair (in fact it would be an outright lie) to tell you that everyone who dates a TA suffers horrible consequences, there is a reason why a Google search of “student and TA relationships,” does not yield a wealth of success stories. You have four or five years as an undergrad, and after that, these guys are fair game. Ultimately, the decision is your own, but just remember to trust your instincts. If it seems wrong, it probably is.
Sources:
Danielle Sutton: President, Syracuse University Residence Hall Association
Jon (name has been changed), senior at a Boston area college
Susanna Bonig, student at Roanoke College
UCLA TA Policy: http://www.provost.duke.edu/pdfs/fhb/FHB_App_Z.pdf
Duke TA Policy: http://www.askstudent.com/college-life/what-happens-if-you-fall-in-love-…
Photo Credits:
RA Door: http://www.life.arizona.edu/residentassistants/images/doordec.gif
Student and Teacher Cartoon: http://collegecandy.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/28/young-romance.jpg