We’ve all heard the age-old expression “opposites attract,” — but does it apply to a couple’s political beliefs? The answer is a little more complicated than a simple yes or no. Avoiding political discussions is becoming increasingly difficult as this election season progresses. If you find you and your SO getting into frequent arguments regarding political issues, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship. On the other hand, there are ways to make it work!
Factors to consider regarding your relationship
Every relationship is different. That said, there isn’t a particular set of rules regarding how to deal with major conflicting opinions. Jasbina Ahluwalia, Matchmaker, Dating Coach and Founder of Intersections Match by Jasbina, says, “People who have fundamentally conflicting beliefs and values have difficulty sustaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.” This isn’t the case for everyone, though. It’s important to keep in mind certain factors that can help determine whether or not your relationship will work out.
Personal importance of politics
If you’re someone who’s always identified as a Democrat, yet you don’t really take a strong stance on issues or pay attention to elections, it might not matter if you end up dating a Republican. “Some people do not care about politics, so for such people it may not matter,” says Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist. However, if you or your partner do have strong political beliefs, maintaining a relationship can be difficult. “There better be a LOT OF LOVE to get over ideological divides,” Dr. Durvasula says. Remember, this is typically the case for those on extreme opposite ends of the political spectrum and only if both partners place a strong importance on politics.
Views on reproductive rights
There are certain issues which conservatives and liberals will never fully agree on. Some of these can end up being relevant to a relationship that includes both parties. “Some issues may have ramifications for a couple (e.g. abortion) as it may be something they would need to grapple with as a couple,” Dr. Durvasula says. “It would be devastating to disagree about it when the actual issue arises.” If you’re seriously questioning whether or not a relationship would work when you have different political views, you must keep in mind the extent to which both you and your SO’s fundamental beliefs and values are incompatible.
Related: 8 Things You’ll Learn Working On The Presidential Campaign Trail
Ability to communicate
There’s a huge difference between avoiding a daily political discussion and changing the topic every time something even slightly political comes up. Angeline Bernabe, a senior at California State University, Los Angeles, manages her relationship in a balancing act. “We’re very similar, but there are a couple of things we may not agree about,” she says. “We make it a point to respect each other’s opinions and views, but to never make it the first topic to discuss over dinner.”
If you’re avoiding the topic entirely, it’s likely that you’re scared of what might happen if you and your SO do have a discussion. Being able to have an engaging and respectful discussion is a huge factor in determining whether or not you can make your relationship work. “Tolerance, respect and acceptance go far with respect to any differences, including political,” Ahluwalia says. “Let your vision of the relationship you want to have be a higher priority than winning a political argument.” If you can’t do that — or even discuss politics — without yelling and getting mad, it might be time to take a hard look at your relationship!
Making it work
Though the previous factors certainly make a relationship easier to navigate, if you’re determined to make your relationship work, more power to you! Instead of trying to avoid discussing politics at all this election season, keep in mind an important piece of advice from Carole Lieberman, M.D., Beverly Hills psychiatrist, “Ask your partner for reasons why they like their candidate, and look at it as if it’s something interesting to study, rather than a contest to get your partner to change their mind.” She recommends keeping the conversation in a contest of a history or social studies lesson (but less boring than your History 101 lecture), rather than a fight to the finish! “Then, ask your significant other if [they] would like to hear what your political views are, just as a matter of interest, rather than a contest as to who is right,” Dr. Lieberman says.
Though this is the ideal situation, having an educated discussion is easier than it sounds when you’re both passionate about opposite things or people. If you can’t deal with it, at least try to follow these rules, as advised by Dr. Durvasula and Ahluwalia:
In the mood to argue?
- Preface with a reminder that your relationship comes first
- Don’t try to change your partner’s views
- Avoid ridicule, name-calling, eye-rolling and contempt
- Seek clarification of their views
- Don’t make the argument personal
- Take ownership for your opinion
Over this s***?
- Agree to disagree
- Shelve the discussion
- Set a timer on the conversation
While this all might sound exhausting, it can work. Haley Koralek, a senior at Fort Hays State University, is living proof! “I’m as liberal as can be, while my fiancé is extremely conservative,” Haley says. In fact, she’s actively campaigned for Bernie Sanders by canvassing door-to-door, making phone calls — anything to support his campaign. On the other hand, her SO is a Trump supporter (talk about opposites!). “Since I’m so actively involved with the election, politics come up a lot,” Haley says. “But at the end of the day, we agree to disagree.”
Don’t let politics get you down (at least not in this case). At the end of the day, if you’re really into someone, it might be worth the effort to make the relationship work. That being said, don’t compromise your views to do so!