Spike and Buffy understand how crucial song selection is to hook-up success. After all, once they had an entirely musical episode.
A hook-up, like a road trip or a training montage is better with a soundtrack. You’d think the background music issue would be easier now more than ever, what with our increased access to music and all. But alas, times were so simple when a person could put a record on and know exactly what songs would play and in what order. There was no risk of the potential humiliation of an iPod left on shuffle—you go to all that trouble setting the mood, and freaking “Party in the USA” comes on and it’s like a bucket of ice water got dumped on your bed.
As you likely know, the art of the mixtape or its modern iteration, the playlist, is just that—an art. Song selection is vital; one wrong track can kill the moment. All the intricacies and idiosyncrasies of the situation must be taken into consideration. Inquiring minds—and mouths—want to know: What are the best songs to hook up to? Read on for our circumstance-specific guide to your sexual soundtrack!
If you’re into stating the obvious
Is it too self-referential or just the right amount of meta to listen to songs about sex while having sex? If that sort of blatant calling of attention to your current activity makes you feel awkward, skip this section. Otherwise, a few options:
- Ben Harper does a surprisingly wonderful cover of “Sexual Healing.”
- Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire” is another gimmie.
- For something with less abstract instructions, The Donnas “Take it Off” should get it done for you.
- Jace Everett’s “Bad Things” (the theme to the not-at-all-sex-centric True Blood) can throw some twang in there, if that’s what you’re into.
Please do not put on“Your Body is a Wonderland” unless you are going for humor and/or irony. If you must, play the acoustic version.
If your guy is a mellow fellow, a stoner, or both
First of all, congrats on finding a stoner boy who will stop smoking long enough to hook up with you! That is exciting news right there. Now, for the appropriate music, may we recommend:
- “Take Care” by Beach House
- “Everything she says Sounds like Gospel” by Matt Nathanson
- “The Epcot View” by Future Clouds and Radar
- Joseph Arthur’s “Honey and the Moon”
- For the traditionalists among you, Jeff Buckley’s “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” is a cliché but, well, that’s because it works.
- The song “Sweet Mary” byEqualizer is, technically speaking, actually about weed. But it is also very romantic and could be loosely interpreted as a love song to a woman named Mary. Basically it is perfect for this category, as is Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “Last Dance with Mary Jane.”
If you were making out on a dance floor and just got back to your room
You need something in between whatever Top 40 thing they were blasting at top volume at the party and the chill-tastic tracks mentioned above. Transition tunes. Some suggestions:
- LCD Soundsystem’s “All I Want”
- “The Big Bang” by Rock Mafia (Kevin Zegers, AKA Zac Efron’s more masculine doppelganger, is in the video! You may recognize him as the drug-dealing Damien from Gossip Girl.)
- Prince’s “Kiss”—it’s a classic for a reason, people
- “Fell in love with a Boy” by Joss Stone
- Mike Posner’s “Please Don’t Go” and his fantastically titled “Bow Chicka Wow Wow” should also hit the spot.
- “The Seed 2.0” by The Roots is an excellent choice, but only if it won’t freak you out to listen to a song about a guy getting a girl pregnant while you’re trying to have non-baby-making sex. Your call.
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If you’re both hopeless romantics
- Amos Lee is your man here: “In the Arms of a Woman,” “Sweet Pea,” and “Windows are Rolled Down,” to get you started.
- Also, an under-the-radar piano man who may or may not have released any new music since this song came out in 2000, Stephen Speaks offers the lovely “Out of my League.”
- “Dead End Job” by Jeremy Messersmith is about a guy who does everything—including earning minimum wage in a gig that’s going nowhere—for the girl he loves. Hopefully it will prove inspirational to your hookup of choice.
- Ellie Goulding’s cover of Elton John’s “Your Song” is just beautiful (credit to my friend Megan—I discovered this one on her lovely tumblr, She Makes Mixtapes.
If you plan on making this a long, long night
- Just type “Explosions in the Sky” into Grooveshark. Perhaps you have never visited this magical place in cyberspace before. Grooveshark is one of those music sites that, when you first discover it, all you can think is, “This is so awesome, how is it not illegal?” For the uninitiated: You just type in whatever song you want to play and, boom, there it is. You search for albums or artists, too, and make as many playlists as you want. Result: hours and hours of music for which you did not have to pay. Explosions in the Sky is a band you may have never heard of unless you, too, are a devoted fan of Friday Night Lights. The music is all instrumental (so no embarrassing or awkwardly-timed lyrics to worry about) and, weirdly enough, works just as well as background noise to your studies as it will to your significantly more fun extra-curriculars.
- If you want something old as opposed to something new, type in Leonard Cohen instead. The man wrote lyrics like “You can spend the night beside her/And you know that she’s half crazy/But that’s why you want to be there.” Clearly a winner for marathon makeout purposes.
- For a long, long morning, Zero 7’s album Simple Things sounds like it was designed with sun-coming-up lighting through your window in mind.
If his entire wardrobe comes from Urban Outfitters
- The Smiths’ “Please Please Please Let me Get What I Want this Time” is a pretty perfect song, not just for making out but also for life in general. Play it in the background to live out any (500) Days of Summer/Joseph Gordon-Levitt fantasies you may have.
- “Cable TV” by Fol Chen is a song about luring a boy to come away with you for a long weekend in a hotel with the promise of (… wait for it) cable television. Obviously no one gets around to watching TV in the song, and hopefully it will help you to also be otherwise engaged.
- Cary Brothers’ “Blue Eyes” is another winner—you could just put on that Garden State soundtrack if you’re with one of those Zach Braff-types, come to think of it.
If his iTunes hasn’t been updated since the ‘90s
Note: we aren’t judging his—and possibly your—desire to stay forever in this decade, perhaps the last real decade of our youth. We were so simple then! Britney loved Justin, Beanie Babies still had collector potential, and the scariest thing in our lives was Furby. We’d never heard of terrorism but, by paying close attention to the news, we learned every TV-friendly euphemism for oral sex. It was a beautiful time. For your throwback/guilty pleasure:
- “Scar Tissue” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers
- “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band (note: this is probably the only circumstance under which I endorse DMB)
- Eagle Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight”
- At the risk of traveling too far into no-duh territory, “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground is another option. Or, obviously, you could just put on the Spice Girls CD.
If you’re breaking up, and no but seriously, you mean it, this is the last time
This one is all about women who know pain and sing it out. You’re looking for the A-Team:
- Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”
- Amy Winehouse’s “Some Unholy War,” “You Know I’m no Good,” and“Amy, Amy, Amy.” That last one is especially effective if your name is, in fact, Amy.
- Also worth considering: The Gaslight Anthem’s “Miles Davis and the Cool.”
If he thinks any music produced after 1970 is “too contemporary”
You are forgiven for bedding a boy so pretentious he won’t listen to any music that was produced during his lifetime. Happens to the best of us. If he’s even willing to cede control of the soundtrack, some sure-to-please selections:
- “That’s the Way” byLed Zeppelin
- “Let it Loose” by the Rolling Stones
- “Feel Flows” by The Beach Boys
- Otis Redding’s “I’ve Been Loving you too Long” and “Try a Little Tenderness.” (This is also a good idea if your guy could use some guidance in the, ah, tenderness department—maybe send a not-so-subtle message about technique to the boy through song!)
- I happen to think that Clarence Carter’s “Slip Away” is one of the sexiest songs maybe ever. In that pre-auto-tune era, you can really hear his voice, where it stretches, where it breaks. Every word crackles with longing: “What would I giiiiive, for just a few moments…” Damn.
If you do not want to get laid under any circumstances
Anything by Taylor Swift, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On,” (it makes people think of their parents having sex because, let’s be serious, who has used that song as a seduction technique in the past forty years?) Rebecca Black’s “Friday.”
Do you have an opinion on the best and worst songs to hook up to? Leave a comment!