Having a BFF is great. You’ve got someone who knows your deepest secrets, someone to always hang out with, a shoulder to cry on that’s always there… until they’re not — whether it’s because of a fight, distance, or even a misunderstanding. Things can seem pretty chaotic and out of place when you lose someone you love, but it’s going to be okay.
There are a myriad of different reasons why your relationship could have come to an end. Maybe you outgrew each other, maybe someone changed (which FYI, isn’t always a bad thing – it’s actually a very normal thing that happens) or maybe it’s as simple and straight up as having a big fight. Regardless of why your relationship has broken, you’ll find a way to move forward (and a healthy way, at that).
Not everyone we meet is meant to be in our lives forever. Some are there to teach you a lesson, some to make you feel things you’ve never felt before, and well, some… you just don’t know what the reason behind them coming into your life is. Here are six ways to cope when you’re in this situation.
- Mourn them if you need to
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Friendship break ups can hurt just as much as romantic ones, if not more. After you and your (ex)BFF have gone your separate ways, you’re allowed to hurt and be upset. It’s human to have emotions and feel a void, so don’t bottle it all up or hold yourself back — let it all in, so you can get past it.
According to Mental Health Expert Lynne Robinson, “Fundamentally, relationships (friendships in this case) are entwined with our sense of ourselves (such as self-esteem) and our feelings of trust in others…because relationships are so important, a breakup can mean loneliness, a challenge to a person’s sense of worth and a loss of needed support; all of which may make it difficult to manage.”
Even so, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve the loss. “[It] can also help with moving on,” says Robinson.
- Don’t hold grudges
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You might not agree with the fact that someone doesn’t want you in their life anymore – or whatever the outcome of an argument or fight is – but that’s no reason to hold a grudge. Overall, holding a grudge against them will probably hurt you more than it will them. You’ll be left feeling emotionally and mentally drained from consciously using your energy to hate on someone, while they’ll be carefree unaware that it’s even bothering you this much! It’s not worth it. Let bygones be bygones and focus on living your life without them.
- Never backbite about them
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This is probably the most important one — it doesn’t matter for what reason you went your separate ways or what they did to you, never speak ill of them. It speaks more to your character than it does theirs. And remember, at some point in time, you would’ve done anything for them and loved them with your whole heart, right? And there was obviously a reason they were so special to you, so remember it and hold on to it. Even if they’re not the same person you met, even if they’ve hurt you — try to remember them for who they were and what they meant to you. And truthfully, if you’re one to speak badly of people that once meant the most to you, people around you are going to start thinking you’ll do the same to them.
- Use healthy coping mechanisms
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Coping mechanisms vary by person, but it’s important to make sure the ones you’re using are healthy for you. “One of the most important [coping mechanisms] is self-compassion,” says Robinson. “Caring for your self as you would be cared for by an affectionate friend.” This can look different for everyone, so you’ll need to find what works best for you.
- Focus on the people in your life
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Don’t dwell on what you’ve lost, focus on what you have. There are a bunch of people in your life who love and care for you so deeply — so appreciate them, be thankful for them and don’t spend your time and energy thinking about past relationships! Instead, put that effort into solidifying and enjoying your current relationships. Trust me, when you’re down the line and looking back at life you’ll be so thankful you made memories with the people you love as opposed to devoting your time to thinking about those who hurt you.
- Make new friends!
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Maybe you’re already satisfied with the folks you have in your life, but in my opinion, there’s no better way to banish the taste of a former friend than by making a new one. There’s always room for more, right? Maybe the girl you see in the elevator is your soul sister, or the guy in your math class is great at giving advice. You never know unless you’re open to the idea.
Don’t let past relationships define your future ones, but take the time to figure out what friendship means to you. “[It] can be a helpful start in determining what you want in new friendships,” says Robinson. “When you are ready, think about where you are likely to meet new people who could be friends and begin to reach out again.” It might feel scary and overwhelming after ending such an important relationship, but don’t close yourself off to the world out of fear or reluctance because of what’s happened. You’re allowed to move forward with your life (and so is your ex-BFF).
It’s tough to have such major changes in your life, but if you do your best to use healthy coping mechanisms such as the ones recommended and be the bigger person — I guarantee you, you’re making it a lot easier on yourself in the long run. Remember to always try to take the high road, and rest assured that you’re going to be left feeling so much better when you come out the other side. The world can be such a heavy place, why not refrain from adding to it? A little kindness can go a long way.