“Going home for Thanksgiving” isn’t just a concept — it’s a trope in pop culture. Take Thanksgiving episodes, for example — like Gossip Girl’s Thanksgiving episodes, which famously depict contentious get-togethers prompting lying, fighting, and explosive realizations. But while family drama on Thanksgiving can sometimes make the holiday look like a fun soap opera, not every college student wants to go home — and not every student feels safe doing so.
Perhaps it’s because they are already at home, as a commuter student. Maybe they come from an unsafe household and don’t look forward to returning. Or maybe, it simply doesn’t feel like home anymore because they’ve outgrown it. In order to find out what “home” really means to college students, Her Campus spoke to three college students about what it means to not “go home” for Thanksgiving, and how they’re redefining their definition of home during the holiday season.
How Do You Go Home When You Never Left?
Jan, 22, is a commuter student, which means they’re already home when the holidays roll around. “As someone who’s lived in my college town since second grade, I feel as though, despite saving money on room and board, I was robbed of the college experience away from home,” they tell Her Campus. The prevalent phenomenon of returning home after a long semester at college doesn’t play out for commuter students, who can tend to feel like they’re missing out on formative experiences. Living on campus is often the first time people learn to live without their parents. With household responsibilities and a possible curfew, commuters don’t have the ability to fully submerse themselves into a new environment with other college students.
As a result of not spending a substantial amount of time on campus, commuter students miss out on these opportunities to “connect” to the university, other students, and to enhance their learning and development. A 2018 study published in Motivation and Emotion found that more frequent experiences of FOMO are associated with negative outcomes in both daily life and over the course of the semester for all college students, including fatigue, stress, physical symptoms, and decreased amounts of sleep. This is likely only heightened for commuter students, and seeing all their friends leave town for Thanksgiving break can contribute to that FOMO.
For commuter students, home is part of the everyday routine, which complicates the traditional idea of going home (and taking a break from the stresses of their college town) for the holidays. “I guess ‘going home for the holidays’ for me would be the opposite,” they say. “Going home for the holidays would look like me spending time with my friends, going out, socializing more than I usually get to. It can be hard though since most of my college friends live on campus and go home over winter break.”
For Jan, home isn’t about blood-related family or a physical house, but instead a feeling of acceptance without judgement.
How do You Go Home When Home Isn’t Safe?
For students who do live on campus, going home isn’t always a happy experience — the presence of fear can shape students’ concept of home. “I used to go ‘home,’ but I felt worse being there,” Alexandra, 22, tells Her Campus. “It was unsafe and I was terrified. I felt I was missing out on the holidays when I went back ‘home.’”
Alexandra had to redefine her concept of home. “When I stopped going back, I finally felt more at peace,” she says. “I realized that ‘home’ is where I’m safe and happy and loved, and that place is not the same one as what’s listed on my driver’s license. I only feel I’m missing out when I see people with their families and they’re happy. I feel like I’m missing out on a family, not my family.”
Alexandra’s desire for strong human connection isn’t unique. It also isn’t just a want, but is considered a “need to belong” by psychological theorists. Troubled ties or relationship discord has been shown to predict the incidence of mood, anxiety, and substance use disorders and increases in depressive symptoms. Therefore, bonds with other people are protective factors for mental health because they produce more satisfaction in life. When an important relationship ends, we often are able to find replacement partners to fulfill those close roles, though they may be filled by drastically different people.
This rings true for Alexandra. “Going home now means spending time with my partner and his family who took me in, too,” she says.
Alexandra shares that she happily plans to spend this Thanksgiving holiday “working, then going to my partner’s mom’s house for dinner.” Thanksgiving has helped her think about home differently than others might. She says, “Home is a place I created. It’s not necessarily wherever my partner is, but where I feel safe and happy. That just happens to be where he is.”
How Do You Go Home When It Doesn’t Feel Like Home?
Other students simply feel disconnected from their hometowns, which takes away from the traditional emotional experience of being back home. “Home used to mean my house,” Angela, 20, tells Her Campus. “But moving out made me realize it’s just wherever my younger brother and mom are.”
These people who outgrew their hometowns feel gratitude but not a similar high level of excitement. Outgrowing your hometown refers to the way moving out, by going to college, can teach students new ways of thinking that make them view their hometowns differently.
“I feel like I also have that shared experience of missing out on holidays, but I’m aware that I have more privilege in that my family is a drive away instead of states or countries away,” Angela says. “Mainly, I feel like school and work really take away from that experience we used to have as kids where we’d have a break and be able to spend time just with our families and relax.”
Home is her place of rest, not necessarily the place where she grew up. “I have an apartment with my friends and I’m fortunate enough to feel ‘at home’ and comfortable with them,” Angela says.
Thanksgiving Is An Opportunity To Redefine “Home”
Home is a construction of your values. It doesn’t have a set definition. To “not go home” can mean a lot of things depending on how you define home. For some people, home is with their biological families. For others, there’s value in “found family.” In the face of rejection or inadequate support, people are entitled to change their definitions of “home” based on what they need, and to invite other people into that space who make them feel safe, comfortable, and valued.
There’s power in choosing your family but even so, home may not be with other people. If you find yourself alone during the holidays, you can still reflect on your experiences and preferences in order to find out what keeps you feeling safe, loved, celebrated, and all other markers of home.
While practicing gratitude this Thanksgiving, consider that others may not celebrate in the same ways or environments as you. By extending compassion to those whose Thanksgivings look a little different to our traditional ideas of the holiday, we can connect with others and spread appreciation through kindness.
Studies Referenced:
Milyavskaya, M., et al. (2018). Fear of missing out: prevalence, dynamics, and consequences of experiencing FOMO. Motivation and Emotion.
Whisman, M. (2013). Relationship discord and the prevalence, incidence, and treatment of psychopathology. Journal for the International Association for Relationship Research.
Spielmann, S., et al. (2012). Social threat, social reward, and regulation of investment in romantic relationships. Journal for the International Association for Relationship Research.