A few days ago, my mom and I were taking one of our usual evening walks when my brother was getting ready to go out with his friends. As he walked out the door, my mom looked at me and joked, “Wow, Dani, what happened to your friends at home?”
I laughed because obviously she was kidding, but the question hit a little harder than I expected.
“I don’t know,” I said. “All my closest friends are at Berkeley now; you’re my best friend here.”
My mom started laughing, and we kept walking as if nothing happened. But the comment stayed in my head for the rest of the night. Because honestly… what did happen to my hometown friend group?
Two years ago, I graduated high school surrounded by people I saw every single day. We took graduation photos together, made promises to stay in touch, and acted like summer would never end. Back then, I couldn’t imagine a version of my life where I’d come home and have no one to text for a spontaneous coffee run.
And yet somehow, that’s exactly what happened. Now when I come home from college, my social life is basically:
- Me
- My mom and my brother
- The Target cashier who tells me she likes my outfit (I wish I was joking).
Going away to college changes the way friendships work; the people who used to be a five-minute drive away suddenly live hours apart. Hanging out requires planning rather than a quick “Wanna go get food?” text. And then, even when some of you are back in the same place (say, for summer break), the dynamic has changed. Sometimes you realize that a friendship that felt permanent was actually just a product of seeing each other every day.
It’s not that I lost all my hometown friends overnight. Everyone just scattered. Some moved away for school, some enlisted in the Army, some got jobs, some found new friend groups, and some drifted into different routines. I don’t blame anyone for how things turned out; if anything, I am just as responsible. I chose to go to college hours away from home, and somewhere along the way, I built an entirely new life. I found incredible friends, a community I love, and people who have become my everyday support system. My college friends have become the first people I think to text with good news, the people I grab late-night food with, and the ones who make college feel like a second home.
Now, when I’m back in my hometown, I actually find myself missing them. I’ll see messages pop in our group chat about everyone hanging out (because lots of them chose to stay in our college town for the summer), grabbing dinner, or doing spontaneous things, and I instantly get FOMO.
I’m glad to say that even though I don’t have my entire hometown group anymore, I still have one hometown friend to whom this sentiment applies, and I’m glad we are still connected and make time to see each other during breaks. Even though our friendship takes much more effort than it used to, we still make time to plan ahead, work around our busy schedules, and make a conscious effort to stay in touch. That extra work has taught me something important, that the friendships worth keeping are the ones worth going the extra mile for.
Part of me misses the version of life when friendships happened effortlessly. But another part of me is starting to realize that growing up means friendships become more intentional. The people who stay in your life aren’t always the ones you see every day because it’s easy. They’re the ones who keep choosing to stay connected when life gets busy.
I know this probably won’t be the last time I experience this. One day, after college, my current friend group will inevitably scatter to different cities, careers, and lives of our own. That thought is a little scary, but it doesn’t feel as daunting as it once would have. If this chapter of my life has taught me anything, it’s that friendships that are worth holding onto are the ones you choose to nurture, even when it takes more of an effort than it used to. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that the friendships I’ll carry with me are the ones where we continue choosing each other through every new chapter of our lives.