I Did A Thing is our weekly advice column where the Her Campus editorial team helps you out when you ruin your own life (hey, we’ve been there). Email advice@hercampus.com for any and everything you need help with. We’ll answer you (anonymously!) on hercampus.com so we can all learn, together. We’ve got your back.
bffwbeef: What do I do when me and a friend are in a bad fight?
helpmehc: While I’d probably need some more info to give specific advice, fights (especially ones with someone you love) are all born most of the time out of a combo of misunderstanding, miscommunication and a dash of hurt feelings. Conflicts at their core come from a place of two people whose narratives re: a situation don’t align — oftentimes that means that we’re not really fighting with our friends so much as the version of our friend in our head who is doing all the dick-moves. Or, worse, trying to “win” against them in the argument by saying the meanest most shut-down-the-convo thing, instead of looking to talk out and actually resolve the conflict.
I think, ultimately, when it comes to deciding what the hell to do when you’re at a standstill with a close friend is to think really hard about what the conflict might be, imagine their points and POV as empathetically as you can while still looking out for your own feelings, time, attention and decide if this fight is one of the Big Ones that is worth trashing a friendship. Those do happen and they hurt — but you have to trust your inner voice there as to whether this fight, these hurt feelings and this particular conflict warrants that extreme a reaction.
If the answer is a “no” to ditching the friendship — and nine times out of ten it will be — I think there’s never any harm in sending the first olive branch text. You can say “Hey, I miss you and I want us to talk about the other day — but you’re super important to me and I love you and that’s not going to change.” From there, you two can get in person and decide together that you want to try and work out the conflict knowing you have the shared goal of being friends, but you’re coming from the common ground of loving the shit out of each other and wanting things to be okay.
Truthfully, as you get older, your friendships take on new, more intense flavors sometimes, not unlike family. You can still love your friends fiercely but also think they’re a dumbass, or yell at them, or they can hurt your feelings or really piss you off, but you recognize that they’re still your person and someone you want to stand by. Learning that you can get mad at each other — disagree and fight (and sometimes never reach a true understanding over whatever the hell you were fighting about)— and that you can still hold on to the people who matter, is a good step in developing strong as hell relationships.
When in doubt, always try to be the understanding friend you would need in the situation. Good luck!