OMG, can you believe this? Millions of sequins, 10 weeks, and two sales reps later, it’s time for The Bachelorette finale. Tbh, it’s kind of nice how the whole thing is three hours long because when it started I was feeling mildly nostalgic about the season ending, but two and a half hours in I was ready to throw my phone at the TV to make it stop. I mean, how many times did Becca mention Arie? I Iegit lost count. RIP to anyone who played an Arie-related drinking game this season.
In any case, let’s get this finale recap thing started…
Garrett Meets Becca’s Fam
Garrett and Becca roll up to the villa that Becca’s family is staying in and continue the trend of talking about Arie because mentioning your ex makes for great meeting-the-fam conversation. Becca’s mom looks SO PROUD that her daughter is attempting to find a husband on a reality show not once, but twice.
Becca: You always told me to never give up.
Becca’s Mom: I should have told you to never go on a reality show.
Then, when talking to Garrett, Becca’s mom brings up––you’ll never guess––Arie. Garrett counters by bringing up his ex-wife, and then cries about… something. He realizes he has some good, sensitive-looking tears going and makes sure that every single member of Becca’s family sees him cry. Someone even calls him poetic. Wow. The things guys will do to make you forget about their problematic social media behavior.
Becca’s Sister: Garrett cried a lot.
Becca: OMG, THE PERFECT MAN.
Blake Meets Becca’s Fam
Then it’s time for Becca to take Blake to meet her fam. Chris Harrison was right about this episode being a tear-jerker because Becca’s bright green top and giant, aggressively colorful pants literally made my eyes water. I guess her stylist really wants to send her out with a bang. You can tell her family is trying really hard not to call Blake Garrett by accident and really wrap their heads around the she’s–in–love–with–two–guys thing.
Becca’s Sister: *trying to convince herself* Garrett and Blake are so different from each other.
Blake is really trying to impress Becca’s fam by showing them all the different ways he can use “strong women” in a sentence. Unfortunately they repay him by asking him about Garrett, which sends Blake into a nervous downward spiral.
Blake: *downs entire mimosa* I’m feeling good.
He continues to internally freak out during the rest of the visit, even though Becca’s sister seems really into him, like almost too into him? Blake is, like, semi-present, and seems really caught up in the fact that Garrett was sitting exactly where he sat the day before, which is weird considering they’ve been dating the same girl for 10 weeks. He also starts talking about how he has a bad gut feeling about things all of a sudden. Maybe it’s food poisoning, maybe he’s trying to guest star on Long Island Medium.
Blake: Usually my gut is right when it comes to this stuff.
Also Blake: Its like I have ESPN or something.
Becca’s Last Date with Garrett
Becca’s date with Garrett low-key confirmed him as the winner. I mean, ABC basically blew most of the episode’s budget on it—especially obvious compared to her date with Blake, but more on that later. They go on a yacht in the Maldives, swim with dolphins across the equator, you know, every day activities that will definitely help Becca decide whether or not she wants to spend the rest of her life with Garrett on his farm. Speaking of his farm, remember how shook Becca was over the tomato plants? Turns out she is even more shook over realizing dolphins actually exist in real life. Did this girl ever leave the house before selling her soul to reality television? Also, whoever called Garrett a poet before better take that back because this is an actual quote.
Garrett: I don’t get butterflies with you… butterflies are small… I get eagles.
Becca’s Last Date with Blake
Becca’s date with Blake is literally just them riding bicycles to the beach and going swimming in some shallow water, no dolphins included. It’s almost like ABC forgot there were still two guys left so they only planned one date and just rented Citi bikes for the other. Yeah, Blake must’ve been annoyed about watching Becca turn him down on the finale, but he was probably way more salty about how much better a date Garrett got to go on this week.
Blake gives Becca a time capsule he made (read: that the producers threw together to up the sentimental factor) Low-key it feels like he’s trying to take a page out of Jason’s––wait for it––scrapbook. Seriously though, what’s with all the crafts this season? Is this The Bachelorette or Martha Stewart Living?
If old-Hollywood-swan-lake was a Party City Halloween costume, it would literally be Becca’s proposal dress. Sorry, no amount of tasteful side boob can distract from all those sparkly white feathers—dnd this was for a DAYTIME event. I bet if the proposal was at night her dress would have, like, glowed in the dark or something. Thank God we were spared from that.
Blake is wearing a suit and gazing pensively ahead from a speedboat, aka really making any advertising execs watching consider him for a fragrance campaign. Meanwhile, Becca is freaking out because she “doesn’t want to hurt anyone.” Like, maybe you should’ve thought about that before you sent Grocery Joe home on the first night. Anyway, it’s all about to go down and Chris Harrison warned us.
Chris Harrison: This is a breakup so painful, to be honest its a little difficult to watch.
Me: Just like this THREE HOUR episode!
I’m gonna cut to the chase with this one. BECCA SENDS BLAKE HOME. Yeah, we all saw that coming, but still. Becca legit just dumped him because there was nothing wrong with him and their relationship was “too easy and consistent.” Girl, this is how you ended up in the whole Arie situation. You should be looking for something move-in ready, not a fixer upper!
Blake is super upset, saying he’s going to have to deal with the breakup all alone. Don’t worry, Blake, I’m sure the hundreds of girls that have slid into your DM’s during the show will be more than happy to keep you company.
Garrett runs into Neill Lane on the beach to pick out a ring for Becca, casual. (Blake picked a way nicer ring, don’t @ me)
Garrett: This ring symbolizes our past, present, and future. Like our past relationships, get it? Remember I was married? For like two months?
Ah, yes, because bringing up your ex-wife when picking out an engagement ring is such a good look. Anyway, Garrett proposes to Becca and she says yes—shocker. They’re perfect for each other because neither of them is over their ex. Later, Becca says she totally blacked out during it, aka she probably realized that she should have picked Blake at that point and was trying to mentally escape.
— Her Campus (@HerCampus) August 7, 2018
Tbh, the fact that Garrett was married before is one of the least problematic things about him. Remember those controversial Instagram likes? Of course you do! Did you really think Twitter would let us forget about them? Nope. There were a lot of ~feelings~
Garrett didn’t see the humanity in:
– kids who survived a school shooting
– transgender folks
– women who identify as feminists
But sure, this was just a “hurdle” in his relationship with Becca.
— Andrea González-Ramírez (@andreagonram) August 7, 2018
She’s worried about Blake’s anxiety, but is willing to teach Garrrett how not to be a racist/homophobe? Girl, bye. #thebachelorette
— Jamie Wesley (@Jamie_Wesley) August 7, 2018
I’m not anti Garrett but I’m extremely disappointed in how #TheBachelorette painted Blake as mentally unstable and therefore unfit to be in healthy relationship. Insecurity is normal and we should be encouraging men to express their feelings bc if not we end up toxic masculinity
— Kath ⚯͛ (@kathrynseely) August 7, 2018
Garrett is clearly so done with being in the public eye. Becca, on the other hand, is ready to start selling detox tea and FabFitFun boxes, like, yesterday.
Garrett: Please let me go back to my farm and my tomato plants.
Becca: We’re moving to LA!
Well, wherever Garrett and Becca are headed, ABC is sending them there in their very own mini van, which Becca freaks out over. I hope this doesn’t become, like, a trend. If a guy pulled up to a first date with a car seat and a diaper bag in the back of a mini van you can bet I’d be asking plenty of questions and none of them would be “will you marry me.”
— Her Campus (@HerCampus) August 7, 2018
ABC is also sending Becca and Garrett to Thailand, so they can relive getting scammed into camping when they thought they would be living it up in some hotel’s “fantasy suite.”
Chris Harrison: You’re going to Thailand!
Becca: OMG, we’re going to eat so much rice.
Oh, Becca. Your basicness will be missed.