As a kid, it may have seemed like you had an endless supply of friendships, but as you got older, the number of friendships got smaller and the definition of a quality friend got deeper. Now, for Gen Z, growing up amid the COVID-19 pandemic makes this inevitable loss of friendship even harder due to the increasing rates of loneliness since 2020.
According to a 2021 American Perspectives survey, out of 2,019 adults, 16% of females and 9% of males aged 18 to 29 reported losing friends during the pandemic. Furthermore, the same study found that the number of close adult friendships has been decreasing in the past few decades: In 1990, the number of close friends with the highest percentage of respondents was 10 or more with 33% of adults, but in 2021, three close friends had the highest percentage with 17%.
As an adult, it might seem harder to make friends or find people that fit into your life seamlessly with the same passions and values as you, but don’t fret because according to a recent New York Times article, the number of adult friends you actually need is smaller than you think.
The premise of the necessary amount of friendships all stems from research done by evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar. He created Dunbar’s Number in 1993, aka the cognitive limit of stable relationships a person can have at once, which is 150 connections. He then furthered this number by breaking it down into different layers of friendship and those cognitive limits. According to The Atlantic, the smallest layer is the intimate one with a cognitive limit of 1.5 people, which is your romantic relationships. Then, the second smallest layer is close friendships, which he describes as the ones that provide a shoulder to cry on, with a cognitive limit of five relationships.
Our ability to maintain relationships of varying degrees depends on Dunbar’s seven pillars of friendship: language, place of origin, educational path, hobbies and passions, morals, music taste, and sense of humor. As an adult, people who share these pillars with you become rarer due to our career paths and values becoming more significant in our lives than when we were kids. Due to this, the number of close adult friendships needed for mental and life satisfaction is small. According to Psychology Today, the perfect range for close friends in adulthood is three to five friends.
So, if you are just getting out of college or are struggling to make friends in your 20s, there is no need to worry. Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching, tells Her Campus, “The quality of your friendships has a bigger impact on your well-being than the quantity of your friendships. A large circle of ‘friends’ who you only know from social media won’t add much to your life, and may even make you feel more lonely and disconnected. Having a handful of authentic friends who you spend time with, who you can be open and vulnerable with, and who you can rely on is what matters.”
Though the amount of friends you need to feel satisfied is smaller, individuals still have varying needs when it comes to friendships, especially depending on if you’re introverted or extroverted. Bobby continues, “Some people are more extroverted, and need a lot more engagement with other people to feel their best. For more introverted people, a few close friendships may be plenty. If you find yourself feeling sad or lonely, that’s a sign you may benefit from having more close friendships in your life. Also, if you find yourself turning to the same friend (or a partner) to meet every need, that can mean you need to branch out and build a wider circle of support.”
Transitioning into adulthood is a challenging time in your life. It’s filled with navigating newfound responsibilities, such as paying bills and taxes, finding a career, and keeping up with your friends from childhood or college while making new ones. That said, both maintaining and finding close friends are harder as adults. Bobby agrees that during adulthood it’s easy to get distracted by work, family, and other priorities, causing your friendships to grow distant. She advises scheduling time for your friendships, treating your friends with care and support so they will make time for you as well, and if you start to lose touch with a friend, reaching out to them.
Adult friendships are not easy, so don’t be hard on yourself if you feel like you’re not meeting the quota for a core group of friends. Though the idea of your friend group becoming smaller may sadden you, you’ll realize as you grow up that three to five friendships with quality, supportive people in your life are truly all you need to get you through the ups and downs of adulthood.