Money! Lust! Murder! Lies! And… pink hair? After two weeks of mediocre/depressing episodes, the Pretty Little Population of my favorite abc family show really came through this week. I was so unimpressed with the past few weeks that I actually put off watching the show until this morning! But it was totally worth it. Let’s discuss…
We start off heading back to the pawnshop where Spencer sold her sister’s wedding ring last week in order to ensure the continued reign of Tobencer (this is going to be a thing) as the show’s cutest couple. Surprise… the ring is gone and Spencer’s left with nothing but a horseshoe (?) and some money. With the loss of this precious item, Spencer suddenly realizes that yes, she actually stole her sister’s wedding ring. Funny, because I realized that last week. Suddenly this seems like a bad thing. Text from A comes: “Just my luck. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. A.” They look up and there’s a creepy billboard of someone watching them with the caption, “Someone’s watching you, so look your best!”
Aria’s dad makes double berry pancakes. Apparently this is a sign that things are going back to normal. Too bad Aria’s brother, Mike, is ruining everything by being moody and running off to god knows where instead of eating with the happy family. Aria and her mom talk about how much it sucks for the PLLs not to see each other. It’s Aria’s mom’s first day of being a full time teacher. She’s going to teach Aria. That just doesn’t make sense, but whatever. We have bigger fish to fry.
Over at Spencer’s, she comes downstairs to find Melissa rustling through drawers to find Ian’s passport, which she needs for insurance for losing her ring. But not before she reminds Spencer that she would rather find her husband, the crazy murderer man, than find a pretty, shiny ring. I would totally feel the same way in her situation… NAWT.
At Hanna’s house, Hanna and her mom talk about how Hanna hasn’t been to a solo session with the therapist yet and that she should. “Can’t we just watch intervention and SAY that I went?” Hanna always gets the best quotes. Hanna hates therapy for some reason, even though she’s probably the most in need of it.
Emily gets some Danby gear from A, but her mom thinks it’s from the scout who (never really) told Emily she could get a full scholarship if she stayed in Rosewood/the Hellmouth. Poor Emily. She finally tries to tell the truth, but it’s just not physically possible.
Lucas is nervous about his date with Danielle. Lucas invites Hanna to come on the date with Caleb. MINI DANCE PARTY OF JOY!!! I mean, come on. The only reason Lucas is on this show is to help move the Caleb story along.
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Aria tries to give her mom teaching advice, but her mom just wants her to take her brother’s keys to him after school. She also comments on the fact that Aria is still hanging out with her friends in school.
Caleb and Hanna discuss Lucas’s date. They feel terrible for him because he’s so awkward and is going to screw up the one chance he has with Danielle. So, though she still claims to be mad at Caleb, Hanna agrees that they should go with Lucas as his wingpeople. Caleb smiles after Hannah leaves and a chorus of angels sings (in my head).
Spencer goes to visit Wren at the hospital where he works. Wren acts very British. Spencer tells Wren that Ian tried to kill her. Wren gave Melissa drugs for Ian, because he feels responsible for Melissa going back to Ian. Personally, I don’t think anyone should feel responsible for Melissa’s crazy; she would be a psycho even if her boyfriends didn’t keep kissing her sister and killing people. Wren makes it very clear that he doesn’t want Spencer to get hurt again. He won’t help her find Ian because whenever he gets involved with the sisters people get hurt (SURPRISE).
Here’s the conversation I imagine Wren and Melissa having through text message:
Melissa: Heeeeey wren. i need some meds for my husband. he’s in hiding, lol. ur lyk a doctor. can u hook me up?
Wren: ok.
Hanna goes to therapy but doesn’t want talk. Anne’s explanation for why the PLLs need to stay apart is that they need a different perspective.
Anne says Hanna needs to let go of Alison. She says it’s up to Hanna to let go of Alison. She needs to have a conversation with her. Hanna is starting to open up, but in the end she can’t do it. She leaves. Once again, only five minutes of therapy.
At a basketball game after school, Aria tries to find her brother so she can give him his keys. His friends say he hasn’t been playing there for a couple of months. LIES, DAMN LIES! I really hoped that Mike, who basically hasn’t had a part in the show so far, would tell the truth. But no.
You know who IS at the basketball game? JASON (Alison’s brother)! He says he doesn’t remember much about being a teenager but remembers Aria’s pink hair… this conversation just went from average PLL creepiness to just plain weird. Why is Jason suddenly feeling the urge to reminisce about Aria’s past fashion mishaps? He even compliments her on always doing the unexpected. Apparently he thought she was cool…? He even says, “I miss that pink hair,” causing Aria to smile in a decidedly I-don’t-think-he’s-creepy-in-fact-I-might-even-like-him way. Not okay.
Samara compliments Emily on her Danby acceptance. Her mom has told everyone about the letter. Samara meets Emily’s mom. They invite Samara for a celebration at Emily’s house for the meet. Samara says if she’s there and the truth slips out, the resulting parental freak out won’t be as bad.
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Spencer’s parents are out. Again. Seriously, where are they? It’s like they have two normal daughters instead of one daughter suspected of murder and another married to a guy who is missing and might be dead and oh, by the way may also have killed the girl that the first daughter was accused of killing. Try saying that five times fast. Melissa has a suitcase out with drugs in it and Ian’s passport. Spencer looks through it, of course. I would expect nothing less.
Aria and Spencer talk on the phone. Aria asks if Spencer thinks Ian would hurt Melissa. Aria is home alone too. Still not understanding the Pretty Little Parents. Someone comes into Aria’s house. It’s her brother. Areia asks her where’s he’s been. He answers “Places. Here and there.” How dark and mysterious.
Lucas and Danielle head out on their date with Caleb and Hanna. It’s super awkward, with Lucas not saying anything and Hanna checking up on the two of them ever two seconds. Danielle tells Lucas that she thinks Hanna is still into him. DON’T DO IT LUCAS! DON’T FALL FOR THE LIES! THE PRETTY LITTLE LIES! Danielle will hereby be known as Heinous Witchdoctor.
Cut to: Samara and Emily looking at pictures in Emily’s scrapbook. Emily’s mom really wants to call Danby and take a tour and all this stuff, which freaks out Emily. Samara says Emily should wait to hear from other schools, since Danby isn’t the only college with a good swim program. She succeeds in stalling Mom for the time being.
Lucas is freaking out about the date and it’s SO SAD. Hanna asks Caleb to put his arm around her so that Heinous Witchdoctor will stop thinking Hanna likes Lucas. It works! Woohoo! Heinous Witchdoctor takes Lucas’s hand! Okay, we can call her Danielle again.
Spencer sees Melissa putting stuff in the trunk of a car, supposedly because she’s getting ready to go visit Ian.
Wren calls Melissa and says he has to see Ian because he thinks Ian might have a dangerous infection. Of course, he is lying (it’s like an Olympic sport on this show). Spencer is going to follow them so that she will know where Ian is.
Lucas goes to Hanna’s house and thanks her for helping him with Danielle, saying that Hanna didn’t have to do it and that she’s come a long way since being Alison’s friend. Hanna thinks deeply about this.
Aria’s dad offers to take her to school. The brother shows up and says he was playing basketball. What a pretty little liar that boy is.
Hanna talks about Alison. She tells Alison she was the best friend ever, but also the worst enemy. A hallucination of Alison talks back: Hefty Hanna, you have no friends, blah blah. Hanna doesn’t take the bait and gets rid of Alison’s memory once and for all. It’s awesome.
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Samara checks on Emily by showing up at her school. They seem to be moving really fast… doesn’t Samara have her own school to go to? Should she really be skipping to hang out with Emily? They’ve been on what, like four dates?
Anne the therapist shows up at her office to find it ransacked, and “Nosey Bitches Die” written on the wall. Kind of upsetting. This poor therapist doesn’t deserve to be drawn into the twisted world of A.
Spencer goes to find Melissa and Ian. All the PLLs are going with her.
Hanna’s mom tries to talk to her, reminding her that Anne’s office break-in is going to invite a lot more questions from the police. Hanna brushes her off, rushing to go with the PLLs to find Ian.
The police come to the therapists’ office and say that there are no signs of forced entry…weird since no one else had a key, according to her.
The PLLs are in the car following Wren and Melissa. It’s very dark. Apparently Melissa doesn’t notice another SUV two feet behind her in the woods, but I won’t think too much about it since Melissa’s such a basketcase. The girls worry that Ian might have a gun and might try to kill Melissa.
A SCREAM!
Ian is… DEAD! Turns out he did have a gun, but he used it to ‘commit suicide.’ There’s even a suicide note in which he confesses to killing Alison. Melissa is so beside herself that she doesn’t even question the fact that the PLLs are suddenly there. My theory? He was already dead and someone just moved his body and staged the suicide. There’s also a horseshoe on the wall… Just like Spencer at the pawnshop! CONNECTION!
A takes a purse out of Spencer’s car and puts something inside? Or looks at a cell phone? Or something? I don’t know, it’s too freaking dark in that show.
Awards:
Emotionless Angst Award: Aria’s brother
Worst Parents Award: Pretty Little Spencer’s Parents
You’re Innocent, Get Off This Show Award: Anne the Therapist
Reformed Heinous Witchdoctor Award: Danielle
Couple of the Week Award: Haleb
Moving Too Fast Award: Emara
