I am in a non-committed “relationship” of 2+ years with this guy. We live near each other at home and spend summer and all school breaks together. He comes to visit me once a semester and vice versa. I am beginning to accept we will never be more, but I think I love him. I am so afraid of telling him I love him because I think it will make him even less interested in ever being more with me. How should I handle this situation?
Dear Doll,
Honey, you are in a non-committed relationship — that means you are single. Do you get that? Years ago, I was you! I get where you are and as I write this, the feelings I felt then rush right back to me. I was in so much pain and lied to myself over and over again. I am really glad to hear that you are beginning to accept that this relationship will never be more, and you should. In my experience — personally, with friends and clients — the only way for you to really accept that (in your heart, soul and body — not just your mind) is for you to cut off the relationship all together. It sounds like you really want to be in a relationship and you are settling for what you can get right now. Don’t you deserve more? I believe you deserve more and deep down, I know you do too. However, there is a part of you that believes you don’t deserve more, and that’s the part that is carrying on in this relationship with a guy who is not available.
I’m sure you see a lot in this guy that is wonderful. You probably adore the special connection you think you have and are holding out extraordinary hope that he will come around one day — maybe even the day you tell him you love him. Listen to me sister — if he wanted to claim you he would have claimed you. And if you really wanted to be claimed by him, you would be claimed already.
When women have sex, oxytocin is released which encourages our feelings of attachment or “love”. This can be confusing, especially since we are often encouraged to lighten up and enjoy one-night stands or casual flings. Of course this is possible, but you’ve known for a while that you want more than this guy is willing to give you. So in this case, a fling is impossible and is totally confusing you. Am I right?
Here’s the biggest point of all: WHY ON EARTH would you want to be with a guy who you think you love and who becomes less interested in you when you tell him you love him? Think about it rationally — not emotionally. It’s crazy and you are not in your right mind. I can only say that to you because I’ve been there and done that. You are a precious, lovely, strong, insightful, courageous and spectacular young woman. Give yourself the chance to be happy. You completely deserve it and I’m counting on you to “act yourself into a new way of thinking”, as Alcoholics Anonymous says. Cut him loose, cut yourself loose and let your dreams come true. I want to hear what happens so please write back and let me know.
All my love,
Ali